If I Fell in Love with You
by mira1122
Summary: Kamijou Hiroki has always been unlucky in love. Although his last love affair left him devastated, Hiro still longs to find someone who will truly love him. Will a chance encounter with Kusama Nowaki result in true love or leave him heartbroken again?
1. Chance Encounters

Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica. That honor belongs to Shungiku Nakamura.

* * *

Throughout the scorching, summer day, Kamijou Hiroki's temper flared in sync with the rising temperature. Nearly all of his novelists were late meeting their deadline. As the executive editor of one of the most successful publishing companies in Japan, he knew this was simply not acceptable. He had spent the entire day calling the frightened novelists one by one into his office, bringing most of them (male and female alike) to tears by his acerbic reprimands. By now, at the end of a very long day, all Hiro wanted to do was to go home, eat a quiet meal, take a nice hot shower, and go to bed, but his senior editor, Inoue Takeshita had other plans.

"You must be worn out after bullying most of our staff today," Inoue purred seductively into Hiro's ear as he wrapped his arms around his superior's waist. "Let me take you to the pub for a nice, relaxing dinner and a few drinks."

"And then what do you intend to do," Hiro asked warily his face turning an attractive shade of pink.

"Whatever you want me to do," Inoue whispered quietly in his ear.

"How many rejections is it going to take to get it through your thick head that I'm not interested?" He yelled as he shoved Inoue forcefully across the room. "I have neither the time nor the energy to deal with the likes of you!"

"Don't be so cold Kamijou-senpai. I was just teasing," he said smiling in an attempt to hide his disappointment and pain.

Hiro inwardly winced at the expression on his face. In reality, he was attracted to Inoue, but the young senior editor's personality was just too much like Daisuke, his former lover. _Please don't look at me with those eyes, _Hiro thought helplessly. Taking a deep breath to swallow his pain and fear, he begrudgingly said, "Alright, I'll eat dinner with you, but that is all…you got that?"

"Sure thing boss," Inoue answered with a sly smile as he opened the door for Hiro.

They walked in the sultry heat of the evening through the crowded streets. Inoue glanced furtively at Hiro. If he were with anyone else, he would have already struck up a light-hearted conversation to improve his companion's foul mood, but he knew better than to try that with Hiro. He'd tried that once the first time Hiro had agreed to go to dinner with him. Inoue couldn't even remember what he'd said at the time, but whatever it was, it had made Hiro so mad, he turned abruptly and left without a word. Inoue nearly chuckled at the memory. It had hurt him so badly at the time, but he'd gotten over it by now. His temperamental superior was such a mysterious beauty, he would do anything, bear any kind of abuse as long as he could someday make Hiro his lover.

There weren't many people in the pub, which Inoue found both surprising and welcome. It gave the place a more soothing atmosphere, which in turn would make this dinner more relaxing. _Maybe I'll be able to get him to agree to come over to my place for a nightcap after dinner! If I can get him to relax enough, maybe we could…_

"What'll it be tonight gentlemen?" The waiter asked pulling Inoue unwillingly from his fantasy as he handed them their menus.

"I'll take a martini." Inoue answered nervously glancing at his companion as he scanned the contents of the menu.

"Whiskey on the rocks," Hiro said curtly. He didn't even bother to pick up his menu. Whenever he came here, he always ordered the same meal, but Inoue was different. He never ate the same meal twice in a row. Just like Daisuke. _He was always so adventurous and so full of life. It's no wonder he ran off with another man. He must have gotten bored with someone as conservative as me, _Hiro thought in despair.

"Kamijou-senpai, are you alright?"

"Huh, oh…I'm sorry," Hiro answered embarrassed to be caught drifting off in such a manner.

"You really spaced out for a while there," Inoue teased trying to hide his own insecurities. He knew there must be a reason Hiro had been so adamant about keeping their relationship strictly professional, and he suspected it had something to do with a bad breakup from a former lover. Throughout the past several months, ever since he'd become the senior editor under Hiro, he'd been slowly working his way into Hiro's personal life. Eating dinner with Hiro like this was the fruit of his arduous labor.

The waiter brought their drinks and took their order. As soon as he left, Inoue looked at Hiro mischievously. "What had you so distracted a moment ago?"

Hiro blushed in embarrassment. "It's none of your damn business!" He took a generous swig of his drink and welcomed the sensation as it burned a path to his stomach. Althoughhe knew the alcohol would only take the pain away temporarily, he longed for the few hours of relief it would give him. _If only there was something that would permanently remove this pain from my heart._

Inoue was surprised by Hiro's sudden outburst. He had never seen his senpai lose his composure quite like this. He had seen Hiro lose his temper plenty of times, but this time it was different. This time Inoue could tell it was deeply personal. _Who was it that hurt you so badly? _He wondered sympathetically.

"Senpai," Inoue began hesitantly as his compassionate eyes bore into Hiro's tormented soul. "Whatever is troubling you…if it would help…you know you can always confide in me, don't you?"

Hiro could feel himself becoming lost in Inoue's sincere eyes. Honest emotions washed over him with a warmth that would have completely thawed any frozen heart, but Hiro's heart wasn't merely frozen. It had been turned to stone by Daisuke's cruel betrayal. Panic seized him by the throat as he struggled against the emotions churning within him. _NO! I swore I'd never let myself get close to anyone again!_ _DAMN IT!_

"Just leave me alone," Hiro spat at him. He picked up his drink and swallowed the rest of its contents. This time not even the burn of the alcohol could penetrate the anguish in his soul.

The waiter arrived with their dinner, and Hiro was grateful for the distraction. He dug eagerly into his food completely ignoring Inoue's concerned gaze. Throughout the meal, Inoue doggedly tried to get Hiro to open up to him. But every time the conversation drifted toward his personal life, Hiro would abruptly drag the conversation back to work related issues. Half-way through the meal, Inoue finally gave up and struck up a conversation about Hiro's favorite soccer team. It wasn't exactly what he wanted to talk about, but at least it was more personal than work.

For the most part, the shift in conversation seemed to be working. Hiro began to relax and even smiled a couple of times. _Maybe he really will want to come home with me tonight, _Inoue speculated hopefully.

"Hey Inoue-san, aren't you listening to me at all?" Hiro said raising his voice in irritation.

"Sorry Kamijou-senpai, what did you say?" He answered sheepishly.

"Ah, never mind," Hiro waived him off casually. "It wasn't important." He wiped off his mouth with his napkin, tossed it on his empty plate and pushed it away. "I can't eat another bite."

Inoue pushed his plate away as well. "W..would you like to come back to my place…" the look on Hiro's face made him hastily add, "you know…for a nightcap?"

The sincere longing in Inoue's eyes was beginning to have an effect on Hiro in spite of all his misgivings. The thought of being held again was excruciatingly tempting, but once again Hiro's fear reigned supreme. "I told you before we left the office that I was only willing to eat dinner with you. If you're ready to leave, then leave. I'm going to have a couple of drinks at the bar." With that, Hiro got up abruptly and pulled enough money out of his wallet to cover their dinner and leave a generous tip. After depositing it in the middle of the table, he walked nonchalantly toward the bar.

"Wait just a minute!" Inoue exclaimed heatedly following in his wake. "Who asked you to pay for my dinner?"

"Don't worry about it," he answered with a maddeningly calm smile. "I'll pay for this one. You can pay the next time you attempt to seduce me!" Hiro was pleased to see the deep shade of red that flashed across Inoue's face. It wasn't wise to tease him like this, but Hiro couldn't resist making him suffer just a little. After all, it was Inoue's fault for making it impossible for him to forget about his ex-lover.

An enormous smile suddenly broke across Inoue's face. "If I buy dinner next time, you'll have to come back to my apartment for a nightcap afterward." After making that comment, he quickly retreated from the restaurant with a triumphant grin on his face. _I did it! The next time Hiro and I have dinner together, he will have to come to my place afterward! _

Hiro sat at the bar in stunned silence. _I can't believe I allowed myself to be manipulated like that. How could I let such a thing happen?_ Deep in his heart he knew the answer. He'd been so lonely since Daisuke walked out of his life.

"What'll it be mister?" The bartender asked pulling Hiro from his dark musings.

"Bring me a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass," he asked numbly. _It's going to take more than just a couple of drinks to anesthetize the pain in my heart this time!_ As the bartender poured his first shot of whiskey, a tall, handsome man entered the restaurant. He smiled at Hiro as the waitress beckoned him to follow. _Whoa! Who is that?_ Hiro wondered as he watched the stranger surreptitiously through the mirror behind the bar. The waitress led him to the table directly behind Hiro, but instead of sitting where she set his placemat and cutlery, he took the chair opposite giving him a clear view of Hiro's reflection. Clearly irritated, the waitress handed him his menu and walked hastily away. Setting the menu aside casually, he glanced into the mirror as he pulled the placemat toward him and smiled warmly at Hiro's reflection.

_Damn it! What am I doing, _Hiro questioned his sanity as his face flushed in embarrassment. He gulped down his drink and averted his eyes. As he poured himself another shot, he tried to resist the urge to look once again at the attractive man sitting behind him. _First Inoue-san and now this, _he grumbled angrily to himself. But try as he might, Hiro could stop himself from glancing back into that person's face. The stranger was still looking into Hiro's reflection as if he'd been appraising a work of art. When their eyes met, he winked at Hiro playfully.

Looking down into his shot glass and the inviting amber liquid within, Hiro's face turned deep crimson and his heart began beating wildly out of control. _Not again,_ he chastised himself, as memories of Daisuke flooded into his mind making his racing heart throb painfully. _So help me, I'm never going to fall in love again!_ He downed the entire shot and looked pointedly away from the striking reflection in the mirror. As the heat of the alcohol seared his throat, he poured himself another shot and prayed that oblivion would reach him swiftly.

* * *

Even though Hiro downed shot after shot of whiskey, the pain in his heart refused to abate. "Don't you think you've had enough?" The bartender asked as Hiro drained the last of the bottle's contents unsteadily into his glass spilling a large portion of it in the process.

"I'm jus' fine." Hiro slurred as he attempted to focus his gaze on the bartender's blurry face. "I wanna 'nother bottle." He downed the shot he'd just poured nearly toppling off his barstool in the process.

"I'm sorry sir," the bartender answered apologetically. "I think you've had enough."

"Is none o' yer business!" He argued sloppily. "I wanna 'nother drink!"

"Don't worry; I'll take care of him." Hiro looked up into the face of the handsome mad he'd been trying unsuccessfully to ignore all night. With a firm yet tender grip, he maneuvered Hiro out of the restaurant.

"Getchyer hanz off me," Hiro protested blearily. "I… wanna… go back... an' get... another dri…" He mumbled weakly promptly passing out in the startled strangers arms.


	2. What is this Feeling?

The bright sunlight shone on Hiro's face pulling him unwillingly back to consciousness. His head felt like it was going to explode. Moving very cautiously, he curled away from the sunlight and inadvertently cuddled up to another body. _Daisuke?_ Hiro's muddled mind began to reel. _Am I dreaming? _Afraid to open his eyes and shatter the illusion, he tentatively wrapped his arm around the body next to him, who moaned softly and reciprocated by pulling him into a firm embrace. _Wait a minute!_ Hiro thought frantically. _That's not Daisuke's voice!_ He opened his eyes ever so gingerly to avoid the sudden bright light which would undoubtedly exasperate his hangover. When his eyes finally adjusted to his surroundings, he gasped at the face that materialized from his alcohol induced fog. _Who is that? _Looking around the room, Hiro began to panic. _Where am I? What happened last night, and where the hell are my clothes?_

Hiro violently shook the semi-naked man lying next to him. "What the hell did you do to me last night?" He screamed increasing the pain in his head exponentially in proportion to the volume of his voice.

"I… just undressed you and… put you into the bed," he answered groggily.

"You mean we didn't," Hiro demanded blushing furiously, "do anything… inappropriate last night?"

"Of course not," he exclaimed indignantly. "I'm not desperate enough to take advantage of an unconscious person!" Jumping out of bed, he began to get dressed irritably.

"What in the hell happened then?" Hiro mumbled to himself as he slowly got out of bed and carefully got dressed. Fighting the agony of his hangover, he struggled to remember the previous night's events. _Oh yeah, _Hiro realized in chagrin. _I got drunk last night because Inoue made me think about Daisuke too much. _The thought of all the alcohol he'd consumed made his stomach lurch uncomfortably. Glancing around the room, he realized he'd been left alone.

As Hiro searched the house for the mysterious, handsome stranger, he marveled at the size and the splendor of the place. _Whoever this guy is, he sure seems to be successful._ Just as he was about to give up and return to the bedroom, he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. The stranger was in the process of fixing breakfast. He smiled warmly at Hiro as he walked through the door. That smile brought back an uncomfortable memory. "You… you were at the restaurant last night." Hiro exclaimed in shock. "Who are you?"

"I'm Kusama Nowaki." He replied as he stirred a bubbling concoction on the stove. After waiting for Hiro's introduction, Nowaki gave up and asked, "What's your name?"

"Kamijou Hiroki," he answered distractedly. "My head is really killing me. Do you have any pain medicine?"

"Oh, yeah, I should have thought of that already." He pointed to the hallway from which Hiro had just emerged. "There's a bathroom just off the master bedroom, where we slept last night. It's the second door on the left. There's some aspirin in the medicine cabinet."

Guilt and shame descended heavily upon Hiro as he stumbled blearily toward the bathroom. _How could I have been so irresponsible?_ He berated himself in frustration. _Getting so drunk that a stranger had to take care of me! What was I thinking?_ That was really the crux of the problem. Hiro hadn't really been thinking. He had been so intent about numbing his pain; he hadn't realized how much alcohol he'd consumed. And now he was in this ridiculous situation.

Hiro opened the bathroom door and fumbled briefly for the light. Just as he'd expected, it was as spacious and luxurious as the rest of Nowaki's home. He opened the medicine cabinet, retrieved a couple of aspirin tablets, and replaced the bottle. When he closed the medicine cabinet's door, Hiro gasped at his reflection in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes were augmented by his pallid complexion. Turning abruptly away from his sickly reflection, Hiro retreated into the bedroom. Not long ago, he'd been so healthy and contented, but all that had ended the day he walked into his bedroom and found Daisuke… his Daisuke making love to another man in the bed that they shared. _Why am I remembering this now, h_e wondered frantically. As he walked past the bed where he and Nowaki had slept, the reason suddenly hit him. _Nowaki's arms felt just like Daisuke's. He… he held me the same way._ Hiro's heart began to beat wildly. _No! I can't do this again! I can't allow myself to get hurt again!_

Hiro walked through the house in grim determination. _I've got to get out of here before my heart becomes completely ensnared by that person!_ As he neared the dining room, he heard the sound of a newspaper rustling. It was obvious that Nowaki had been waiting for him.

"You didn't have to wait for me," Hiro retorted taking the seat across from his host.

"I didn't mind waiting. Besides, the porridge was too hot to eat. By the way," Nowaki started casually, "I'm… sorry about last night".

"Why are you apologizing?" Hiro asked warily as he tossed the aspirin into his mouth and chased them with a gulp of water.

"I guess you didn't notice I was staring at you all night," He scooped up a spoonful of porridge and blew on it to cool it down. "I just couldn't help myself. I thought your sad face was so attractive. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop staring at it."

_He was staring at me? _Hiro pondered incredulously while Nowaki paused to take a bite of his breakfast. _That's right… I remember now. He was staring at me! _Once again his heart began beating out of control.

"I wondered why such a handsome man would be drinking all alone," Nowaki continued. "So I stayed there all night and watched you drink an entire bottle of whiskey. (I was really amazed that you drank the whole thing.) When you started arguing with the bartender, I figured I'd better get you out of there before he called the police. Just as I was about to ask you where you lived, you passed out. So I brought you here and put you to bed."

Once again Hiro blushed deeply. The thought of Nowaki stripping him was almost as embarrassing as it was erotic. "And you expect me to believe that you didn't try anything with me last night?" Hiro asked heatedly. "When I was looking for you earlier, I noticed that there is more than one bedroom in this house. Why then, did you end up sleeping in the same bed with me?"

"I know I shouldn't have done that," Nowaki answered sincerely. "I just couldn't leave you alone. Your sad face was so beautiful, I just wanted to stay by your side and stare at it for a little while. I honestly didn't mean to fall asleep, but I'm glad that I did." He smiled at Hiro making his heart skip a beat. "I really liked waking up with Hiro-san lying in my arms."

"You friggin' moron!" Hiro yelled in exasperation and embarrassment as his face turned an even deeper shade of crimson. _How can he say such embarrassing things so casually?_

Nowaki merely smiled as Hiro began to cautiously eat his breakfast. "Do you have to go to work today?"

"No," Hiro replied curtly, "today is my rest day."

"Today is my rest day as well." Nowaki began hesitantly. "Would you like to spend the day here with me?"

_What the hell?_ All of the color instantly drained from Hiro's face. "I'm sorry, I can't stay. I have several projects I need to finish."

"I thought you said today was your rest day," he asked with such a beguiling expression it made him look even more appealing than Hiro reckoned was humanly possible.

"I don't have to go to the office today, but that doesn't mean I don't have things to do." Hiro was trying his best to keep his defenses in place, but everything about Nowaki was incredibly enticing. _This isn't good. _Hiro began to panic. _The sound of his voice, the kindness in his eyes, and the maddening desire to feel his arms again are all going to destroy what little bit of sanity I have left. I have to get out of here!_ "I should be going." Hiro stood up hastily. "I've inconvenienced you enough already."

"It's alright," Nowaki jumped up and rounded the table quickly to stand in Hiro's path. "You haven't been a bother at all."

"I really need to go home," Hiro reiterated nervously. _Don't touch me! Don't hold me! Don't make me want you more!_

"At least let me drive you home." Nowaki offered with a hint of disappointment and sadness in his voice.

"As you wish," Hiro responded inwardly wincing at Nowaki's expression. _Those eyes… I could get lost forever in those eyes. Damn it! Get a hold of yourself Hiroki. You can't fall in love again!_

Dark clouds loomed in the sky and in the car. Nowaki could see that something was troubling Hiro, but he knew he wouldn't be able to come straight out and ask him what was wrong. _The way Hiro-san acts…it's as if he's always guarding his heart like it's a piece of fragile crystal. _Nowaki pondered while he glanced periodically at Hiro with a mixture of concern and desire. _Is it because he's afraid of getting into a relationship with me, or is it because he doesn't want to get involved in a homosexual relationship?_ Whatever his problem was, Nowaki sincerely hoped it didn't involve the latter. If he was afraid of getting involved with someone, that was something he could handle. But if Hiro was straight, what could he possibly do? He snuck another longing glimpse at the nervous beauty sitting next to him. As his heart began to race Nowaki wondered, _what is this feeling deep within my soul, and why is my heart beating so fast?_ The way he felt about Hiro was completely inexplicable. It went beyond mere physical attraction. He wanted more than anything to embrace Hiro, not only to make love with him, but also to protect and comfort him. _Is it possible? Could I have fallen in love… with Hiro-san, _Nowaki questioned with a mixture of surprise and awe.

"Oi, Nowaki," Hiro exclaimed, "You're going to pass my street!"

Slamming on the breaks, Nowaki flinched as the car behind him had to swerve abruptly to avoid a collision. The angry driver honked and yelled at him as he sped past. Looking sheepishly at Hiro, Nowaki apologetically mumbled, "I'm sorry about that Hiro-san." He carefully turned down Hiro's street and parked in front of his apartment building.

"What's wrong with you all of a sudden," Hiro demanded angrily. "You're going to get yourself killed driving like that!"

Nowaki's face lit up. "Does that mean you care about me?"

"Of course I care about you, you idiot!" The enormous smile that graced Nowaki's face made Hiro realize with immense embarrassment what he'd just carelessly blurted out. "Th...That's not what I meant to say… That is… of course I wouldn't want to see you get hurt. It's just… would you quit smiling at me like that?" He fumbled with the door, jumped hastily out, slammed it angrily, and began marching furiously toward his apartment.

Nowaki rolled the passenger window down. "See you tomorrow Hiro-san!"

Hiro stopped short in surprise. Turning abruptly he screamed, "Since when did I agree to see you tomorrow?" However, his retort fell upon deaf ears because Nowaki's car was already half way down the street. _Why did I have to say such a foolish thing? _Hiro berated himself as he walked wearily into his apartment. What really made him nervous was the truthfulness of his words. Whether he liked it or not, Hiro could no longer deny that he cared about Nowaki, and the fact that it had happened so quickly, left him feeling terrified and vulnerable.


	3. One Stormy Night

Hiro tossed a couple of aspirin into his mouth and chased them with a glass of water. _I'm so exhausted, _he thought wearily as he held the cool glass against his throbbing temple. Thanks to a certain annoyingly handsome stranger, he hadn't slept well at all. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see Nowaki's face which, much to his chagrin, made him long to feel those arms wrapped around him again. When he finally managed to fall asleep, he spent the entire time dreaming about Nowaki. They were some of the most vivid, erotic dreams he had ever experienced. Just thinking about them left him breathless with his pulse racing out of control. _Damn it! I have to stop doing this to myself! _Slamming the empty glass down in disgust, Hiro cradled his throbbing head in his hands and closed his eyes.

To make matters worse, there were still a handful of novelists who had yet to turn in their manuscripts, and several of the manuscripts that had been submitted were so subpar, he couldn't even finish reading them. _Could this day possibly get any worse, _Hiro wondered sighing heavily in resignation.

"Kamijou-senpai," Takeshita called cheerfully as he strode into Hiro's office.

_It just got worse!_ "What do you want now," Hiro growled in frustration.

"You don't look so good, Senpai." Takeshita noted with concern. "Why don't you come to my apartment and eat dinner with me tonight?"

"That's not necessary," Hiro exclaimed as he stood up abruptly and began filling his briefcase with the unfinished work that littered his desk. "I'm really not that hungry. I'll see you tom…" His parting comment was cut short by the shock of Takeshita's arms suddenly enfolding him.

"Please come to my apartment tonight," he whispered enticingly into Hiro's ear. "I really am a good cook."

_He's so direct,_ Hiro thought with a shiver, _and so much like Daisuke. _"If you're trying to piss me off," he snarled through gritted teeth, "you're doing an excellent job!" He felt Takeshita loosen his grip in defeat, and took that opportunity to grab his umbrella out of the stand and wave it menacingly at the now sulking senior editor. "Quit teasing me like that! If someone were to walk in here and see you embracing me, they might get the wrong impression."

"But I'm not teasing you Kamijou-senpai! I like you, and I don't care what other people think!" Takeshita's face flushed crimson when the realization of what he'd just blurted out reached his addled brain.

All of the color drained quickly from Hiro's face. A love confession was the last thing he expected from Takeshita. _This can't be happening to me!_ "You… shouldn't say such things so carelessly." Hiro quietly replied as he took a couple of cautious steps away from him.

"I'm not being careless," Takeshita countered his voice full of emotion as he slowly advanced upon his retreating superior. "I love you. I've… been in love with you since the moment I met you!" Hiro inadvertently backed into the wall and Takeshita seized his momentary distraction by trapping him against it. "Please say that you care about me too Kamijou-senpai."

Once again, Hiro blushed furiously. Anger and fear were both competing for dominance in his tortured soul. He was angry that he'd been forced into such an embarrassing position by someone so much younger than him, and terrified of getting sucked into a relationship with someone who looked and acted so much like Daisuke. Anger quickly triumphed. "I'll be damned if I'll ever allow myself to fall in love with another man," Hiro screamed pushing Takeshita violently across the room. "Don't ever come near me like that again!" He stormed out of his office leaving Takeshita alone and brokenhearted.

_What the hell,_ Hiro fumed in vexation as he sloshed through the rain toward the subway. _For the past six months I've been alone and lonely, but now, after I've decided to forget about love and concentrate on my career, I have two guys coming on to me! Not just any two guys mind you. One is so much like my cheating ex-lover; it's not even funny. And the other one is so open and honest, it's…it's…_ Once again, thinking about Nowaki made Hiro's pulse quicken. _Its damned obnoxious that's what it is! Why is this happening to me when all I want is to be left alone?_

Hiro walked angrily through the station and entered an already crowded passenger car amid the crush of the evening rush hour. In spite of it being packed liked sardines, Hiro's ominous mood created a dark aura that kept the vast majority of the passengers at bay. He walked virtually unhindered to a seat that had just become available and flopped jadedly into it. Closing his eyes against the nervous stares he was attracting, Hiro mentally began to go over the last manuscript he'd been reading before Takeshita barged in on him. However, it had been written so badly, he just couldn't stay focused on it. Before long, Nowaki's smiling face appeared almost brightening Hiro's brooding mood. _Damn it, _he inwardly cursed at himself. _What is wrong with me? I don't even know this person. Why can't I stop thinking about him?_

The announcement of his stop pulled Hiro gratefully from his bothersome musings. Once again intimidated by his menacing countenance, the crowd parted allowing him to easily exit the car and walk unimpeded through the crowded station. Opening his umbrella, he quickly stepped into the deluge and headed straight for his apartment. Holding it like a shield in opposition to the enormous raindrops that pelted him relentlessly, Hiro walked in a perpetual bow as if he were in obeisance to Mother Nature. The combination of the storm and his preoccupied thoughts restricted Hiro's attention so completely that he nearly ran into the person who'd been waiting patiently for him at his door.

Hiro stopped suddenly unable to believe his eyes. The person, who had haunted his dreams and dominated his thoughts, was standing right in front of him. Even though he had an umbrella, Nowaki was completely soaked and was trying in vain to keep the large bag of groceries he was holding from getting drenched as well.

"What in the hell are you doing here," Hiro exclaimed irritably.

"I'm here to cook you dinner," he answered cheerfully, smiling at Hiro with the exact expression that had been tormenting him all day.

Deep down, Hiro was happy to see Nowaki, but there was no way he would ever admit that to himself. Between his irrational fears and his manly pride, that kind of honesty was simply not yet possible. _I really want to be alone right now,_ he thought irritably, _but he's soaked to the skin. If I send him away like this, he will probably get sick. _"I guess you'd better come in then," he grumbled angrily through his clenched teeth.

Unlocking the door, Hiro ushered his uninvited guest quickly into his apartment. "I'll put these away," he said taking the groceries from Nowaki. Setting the water logged bag on the Kitchen counter he added, "Why don't you take a hot shower and get out of those wet clothes."

"I'll be alright," Nowaki answered readily. "Besides, I don't have any dry clothes to change in to, so…"

"I've got some dry clothes you can borrow." Hiro snapped impatiently. "You'll catch a cold if you don't get out of those wet things!"

"You really do care about me, don't you Hiro-san?" Nowaki whispered stepping dangerously close to his reluctant host.

Glaring threateningly and blushing a deep shade of crimson, he retorted curtly "I'll lay the clothes on the futon for you." With that, he retreated into his bedroom and began rummaging through the closet. Hiro knew that even the largest garments he owned would be much too small for Nowaki, who was at least fifteen centimeters taller than him. Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he retrieved some of the clothing that Daisuke had left behind. Memories from a happier time threatened to crush his fragile heart. He could almost hear his former lover's laughter and feel the weight of his strong arms embracing him. Tears spilled over Hiro's cheeks as he breathed in Daisuke's lingering scent from the clothing he'd clutched tightly to his chest.

"Are you alright?" Nowaki asked quietly.

Hiro jumped in alarm. "Why aren't you in the shower yet?" He screamed unexpectedly causing Nowaki to back away with a wounded look on his face. Hiro threw the clothing on his futon and stormed out of the bedroom. He hadn't meant to snap at Nowaki. He was just so angry and embarrassed that someone had seen him so vulnerable; the words flew out of his mouth before he'd had the chance to stop them.

In sullen solitude Hiro began to remove the groceries that Nowaki had purchased. He placed the vegetables in the sink to be washed and set the rest of the contents on the counter. Luckily, none of the groceries had been ruined by the excessive moisture that had leaked into the bag. He threw the drenched bag away and wiped the counter down. _It looked as though Nowaki had planned on making curry,_ Hiro decided as he surveyed the groceries. A wave of guilt washed over him. Nowaki had come here to make him dinner and he done nothing but snap at him. Filled with remorse, Hiro pulled out a pot and his wok from the cabinet and placed them on the stove. After he started cooking the rice, he turned his attention to the vegetables. By the time Nowaki emerged from the bedroom, he'd just finished washing them all and was preparing to cut them up.

"You didn't have to do all that," Nowaki exclaimed good-humoredly. "I came here to fix dinner for you."

"I…well, I figured since it would take a while for the rice to cook, I should probably get it started and," Hiro paused suddenly self-conscious. "I just thought it was the least I could do after snapping at you so rudely."

"Hiro-san," he reached up and gently caressed his flustered host's cheek. As soon as his fingers made contact with Hiro's soft, pale skin, Nowaki's eyes widened in shock. "Your face feels so cold! Why haven't you changed out of your wet clothes yet?"

"I…," Hiro didn't know what to say. He'd been so preoccupied with his internal conflicts; he hadn't even noticed that he'd been drenched by the storm as well. Now that Nowaki had brought it to his attention, however, he suddenly felt chilled and began to shiver in spite of himself. "It's all your fault," he grumbled in chagrin. "If you hadn't barged in on me unexpectedly, I wouldn't have gotten so agitated!"

"You mean to tell me that just my presence was enough to get you excited," Nowaki playfully asked flashing him a dazzling smile. He wrapped his arms around Hiro slowly pulling him into a warm embrace.

Hiro's mind began to reel as he stood frozen by the look on Nowaki's face. He started shivering harder, partially because he was cold, but mostly out of desire. Although it was completely incomprehensible to him, being held by this man made Hiro happier than he'd ever felt with anyone. Those emotions in and of themselves were enough to scare the hell out of him, but the fact that he wanted Nowaki to kiss him as well, put him at the verge of panic.

As if reading his mind, Nowaki tightened his embrace and kissed Hiro lightly with his soft lips. Eyes widening in surprise, Hiro hesitated a moment before returning Nowaki's kiss enthusiastically. All logical thought was stripped completely from Hiro's mind by the mesmeric sensations that one simple display of affection produced. Moving purely on impulse, he wrapped his arms around Nowaki's shoulders, ran his fingers through his hair and plunged headlong into his desire.

Nowaki moaned softly breaking Hiro out of his trance. _What the hell? _He forcefully pushed himself away from Nowaki's warm arms. "What the hell do you think you're doing," he sputtered more out of embarrassment and fear than anger.

"I'm sorry," he answered sheepishly. "But you looked as though you wanted me to kiss you just now. That's why I…"

"W…we're both guys," Hiro screamed blushing profusely. "Why would I want you to kiss me?" Although he was trying his best to act angry, it was painfully obvious that he was terrified and confused.

"I'm sorry for making you feel so uncomfortable Hiro-san," Nowaki replied quietly in concern. "I guess it would be better for you if I went home." He turned sadly and started walking toward the door.

_This isn't good, _Hiro thought as he watched Nowaki walk toward the door in defeat. He sensed by the look on that gentle person's face, if he left in this manner, there would be no repeat of what had happened here this night. Even though it scared the hell out of him, Hiro didn't want Nowaki to leave. A loud peal of thunder suddenly sounded as an audible reminder of the storm that was still raging outside.

"D…d…don't be ridiculous," Hiro stammered torn between his fear, desire, and genuine solicitude about Nowaki's well-being. "I can't let you go out in that storm. B…besides, you still have to finish my dinner."

Nowaki turned around and smiled at his shivering host. Although it was clear that Hiro was still conflicted and frightened, Nowaki could tell his offer to stay was sincere. "Go take a hot shower before you get sick," he replied affectionately making Hiro's heartbeat quicken. With that he turned toward the kitchen and began to chop the vegetables.

Hiro stepped gratefully into the shower and sighed as the hot water cascaded over his body. As soon as the chill left him, however, the sensation of Nowaki's lips against his returned. Whenever he closed his eyes, the memory of that kiss pushed its way into his thoughts making his body react in a way it hadn't since the last time he'd been with Daisuke. _What is happening to me,_ Hiro wondered apprehensively as he fought valiantly against the desire that was rising alarmingly fast within him.

In the kitchen, Nowaki had just begun to sauté the vegetables. The cute look on Hiro's face when he was struggling to find an excuse to ask him to stay, had given Nowaki some much needed encouragement. _I shouldn't have kissed him so suddenly,_ he mused regretfully. _But he really looked like he wanted me to kiss him, and at first it seemed like he was really getting into it._ Just the thought of that kiss set his soul on fire. He wanted Hiro, now more than ever, but not just his body. He wanted his heart and soul as well. _Then he abruptly pushed me away – _reality check._ Why did he do that? _Tugging against the tight fitting t-shirt Hiro had let him borrow, a sudden thought crossed Nowaki's mind. _These clothes… they're much too large for Hiro-san to wear. The owner of these clothes, what is he to Hiro-san? Is he a lover, an ex-lover, or just a friend?_ Nowaki sincerely hoped it was the latter.

Before he could ponder the matter further, Hiro entered the room. Although he looked more comfortable physically than he had been earlier, he was also much more flustered both mentally and emotionally. Nowaki's kiss had reawakened a desire he didn't think would ever be resurrected. Now that Hiro was once more in his presence, he wanted to taste those lips again. At the same time, the speed and forcefulness of said desire was causing so many alarms to go off in his psyche, he was afraid he'd go mad from all the clamor.

_Just calm down and get a hold of yourself, _Hiro thought as he vainly fought against the rising tide of his emotions. "Dinner smells good. Will it be ready soon," he asked trying intrepidly to cover his nervousness."

Nowaki wanted to smile at the adorable expression on Hiro's tortured face, but he sensed it would not be a wise thing to do. "Your timing is perfect. I was just about to look for the dishes."

"They're in the last cupboard on the left," Hiro answered relieved that Nowaki had followed his lead toward a safe, neutral topic. "What would you like to drink?" He opened the refrigerator and welcomed the blast of cool air against his overheated face. "I've got tea, soda, or beer."

"I'll take a beer."

Hiro grabbed two cans of beer and turned toward Nowaki's voice. He was setting their dinner on the table. So relaxed were his mannerisms, it made Hiro feel as if they'd already been doing this for months. _Stop this damn it!_ He cursed himself inwardly._ I just met him yesterday!_ Pushing his anxiety aside, he opened the beer, grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and joined Nowaki at the table.

They both dug into the food and ate in silence. Looking nervously at each other, they both were trapped in their own private discomfiture, one wanting desperately to initiate a relationship, while the other was fearful of becoming crushed by his sudden, insatiable yearnings.

"What kind of work do you do, Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked in an attempt to break the ice.

"I'm the executive editor for K-Publishing," he replied grateful that the awkward silence had been broken.

"Really," Nowaki blurted out in surprise. "But you're so young!"

"I'm twenty-seven years old," Hiro asserted testily. "I would hardly call that young!"

Nowaki shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I didn't mean to offend you, Hiro-san. I just thought you looked like you were closer to my age."

"Just how old are you," Hiro asked nervously.

"I'm twenty-three," he murmured in a soft defeated voice. _Hiro-san is so amazing, _Nowaki considered as a sense of dread began to seep into his stomach. _How could someone as successful as him ever want to be with a nobody like me? And he's so much more mature than I am. How could I ever be good enough to stand equally by his side? I want to be his lover, but how can I ever reach his level? _He reached for his mug of beer and, as if on cue, the borrowed shirt constricted his movement just enough to remind him that there might be another obstacle in his pursuit for Hiro's affections.

Tugging at his borrowed shirt once again Nowaki decided that now was as good a time as any to ask about the mystery man who had once owned the clothes he was wearing. "Um…Hiro-san," he began tentatively. "The clothes you let me borrow, they're much too large to be yours. Who did they belong to?"

Hiro felt the heat rise into his cheeks as a sense of dread began to grip his heart. Daisuke was the last person he wanted to talk about right now. "That's none of your business," he exclaimed heatedly as he leapt to his feet, grabbed what was left of his dinner and retreated to the kitchen.

_It looks like he was more than a friend,_ Nowaki thought resentfully. He followed Hiro into the kitchen, walked up behind him and enfolded him with a warm embrace. "What is he to you," he asked urgently.

"I don't want to talk about him," Hiro snapped defensively.

Nowaki felt his heart sink and loosened his grip in despair. "Is he… your lover?"

"Not anymore… he left me… for another man." Hiro couldn't believe he'd just blurted that out. He hadn't wanted anyone to know what had happened and yet, for some reason, he just couldn't stop himself from telling Nowaki about it. _Why did I just do that,_ he wondered as he fought the bitter tears that were forming in his eyes.

"Hiro-san," Nowaki whispered tenderly in his ear. Renewing his warm embrace pulling Hiro closer, Nowaki kissed the back of his neck and added, "I promise I'll never hurt you Hiro-san." The warmth of Nowaki's arms and the way his breath delicately fluttered past Hiro's reddened ear sending tingles down his spine were obviously beginning to take their toll. "Hiro-san," he breathed softly as he caressed his trembling captive's torso. "Please let me embrace you tonight."

"No… don't do this to me," Hiro pleaded half heartedly. Once again fear and desire were battling for control in Hiro's tortured mind, but this time it was obvious that desire had the upper hand.

"Please Hiro-san… I want you!"

With gentle efficiency, Nowaki twirled Hiro around in his arms and once again kissed his soft lips. This kiss made the one he'd given Hiro earlier seem like nothing more than a peck. It was filled with Nowaki's passion and sent ripples of electricity surging through Hiro's body. Somewhere in his addled mind, Hiro knew a small piece of his psyche was screaming in terror, however, the sound of his pounding heart completely eclipsed everything else. Wrapping his arms around Nowaki's waist, Hiro sighed in resignation. _It feels so good!_ As Nowaki's heated tongue caressed his lower lip, waves of desire washed over Hiro leaving him breathless, and yet thirsting for more. Pressing deeper into their kiss, his lips parted allowing their tongues to mingle intimately with each other. Beyond his desire, Hiro knew by the telltale ache in his heart that he was falling for Nowaki. Although that small piece of his psyche was still wailing impotently, he knew now it was useless to fight against the rising tide of his repressed emotions._ Crush me, destroy me…do whatever you want, _his consciousness cried in defeat._ I don't care what happens anymore._


	4. After the Storm

The blaring alarm jolted Hiro out of a sound, dreamless sleep. He found himself still wrapped tightly in Nowaki's arms. They had fallen asleep in this position a few hours earlier both of them completely spent by the previous night's vigorous activities.

As he reached over to turn off the alarm, Nowaki stretched and yawned sleepily. "Just relax Hiro-san; you're bound to be pretty sore after last night." With that, he got up, pulled his borrowed boxers on and headed toward the kitchen.

"Wait a minute," Hiro protested attempting to get up as he spoke, but before he was half way up, he winced and cried out in pain.

"Hiro-san, are you alright," He exclaimed in alarm.

"Of course I'm alright you friggin' moron!" Hiro shouted angrily as his face flushed crimson. "Get in there and make my breakfast! That's the least you can do after leaving my body in this condition!"

Biting his tongue to keep himself from grinning, Nowaki hastily left his fuming lover. He surveyed Hiro's apartment in dismay. His dirty dishes were still on the table along with two partially consumed mugs of beer. Hiro's dishes were unwashed in the sink; the kitchen counter and stove were still littered with the dirty pot, wok, and utensils from last night's dinner, and from the kitchen to the bedroom door there was a trail of clothing on the floor. _I guess I'd better get dressed and clean this up first,_ he thought wearily.

In the bedroom, Hiro's mood alternated wildly between anxiety and disappointment. He was terrified of the emotions swirling uneasily within him and disappointed that he couldn't muster the self-control needed to stop Nowaki from making love to him…several times. Deep down he somehow knew, even though Nowaki was extremely turned on last night, he would have stopped if Hiro had adamantly refused his advances. _Why didn't I make him stop,_ he wondered his stomach twisting into knots at the implication of his acquiescence.

Memories of the previous night washed over him with the strength of the ocean at high tide. Nowaki had sent him deeper into ecstasy than he'd ever imagined was possible. Although the words were never spoken, he knew he had unmistakably felt Nowaki's love. It was as if this unspoken love were an endless, bottomless body of water and with a sudden, wonderful terror, Hiro realized he would willingly drown in it. _Damn it,_ he cursed silently to himself as he rose ever so gingerly off the futon. Limping painfully, he gathered some clean clothes from his dresser and hobbled into the bathroom to take a shower.

In the kitchen, Nowaki carefully folded the cooked egg portion of the omurice over its filling. Once again his mind wandered back to the most incredible night of passion he'd ever experienced. He'd had sex with other men before, but what had happened last night went way beyond mere sex. For the first time in his life, Nowaki had truly made love with another man. _I guess it really is true,_ he thought as a sagacious smile crept across his face. _I really am in love with Hiro-san!_ The way Hiro had reacted to his ministrations, the way he'd cried out time and time again in unbridled passion gave Nowaki reason to hope that maybe his love would eventually be returned.

As he poured boiling water over the tea in their respective cups, Nowaki heard the bedroom door close and turned to see a scowling Hiro, still limping noticeably, approach the table. Carefully lowering himself onto the chair, he winced in spite of himself. "Quit staring at me like that or you'll ruin my breakfast," he growled irritably.

"Sorry Hiro-san," Nowaki mumbled in apology. He turned crestfallen to the omurice and turned it expertly onto a plate.

"What are you apologizing for," Hiro asked brusquely. Then he noticed the pained expression that Nowaki was desperately trying to hide as he carried their breakfast to the table, and he instantly became regretful of his insensitive behavior.

"I didn't mean to be so aggressive last night." Nowaki picked at his breakfast as he searched for the right words to describe his remorse. "I tried to be gentle, but you were…" he paused as if he were either unsure or unwilling to finish his thought. "I just couldn't control myself," he finally admitted shamefacedly.

Picking up his cup in an attempt to hide his blushing face, Hiro mumbled, "I… didn't hate it."

"Then…does that mean," Nowaki hesitated timidly, "you'll let me come back here tonight?"

"Are you crazy?" He exclaimed heatedly his face turning an even darker shade of red. "I can't keep doing… what we did… every night! I need more sleep than that!"

"I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to, Hiro-san," Nowaki said with such sincerity it made Hiro's heartbeat quicken. "I really want to see you again."

Looking into Nowaki's intense, dark eyes, Hiro's emotions once again began to churn. Even though he was terrified of being hurt again, he couldn't stop thinking about how good it felt to be kissed by those soft lips. "You… can come back here tonight, but ONLY to fix me dinner!"

"Thank you, Hiro-san," he replied smiling in relief.

"Quit smiling at me like that," Hiro exclaimed blushing bright red again.

Nowaki poked a large helping of omurice in his mouth to keep from laughing out loud and burned his tongue in the process. _I guess it serves me right for teasing Hiro-san like that,_ he contemplated good-humoredly while Hiro snickered none too secretively at his discomfort.

They finished their breakfast in silence, but unlike last night, this time the meal was much more relaxed. As soon as the final morsel had been eaten, Nowaki picked up the dirty dishes and took them to the sink. Once again the sight of Nowaki at the sink washing their dishes looked much too familiar to Hiro. There was only one explanation for the repeat of such a notion and it quite literally made him panic. As he ran into the bathroom, it loomed ominously before his mind's eye. _I can't believe it,_ Hiro thought frantically while he struggled to control his breathing. _How could I have fallen in love with Nowaki so quickly… after all of the hell Daisuke has put me through? _

"Hiro-san are you alright," Nowaki exclaimed apprehensively through the bathroom door.

"Of course I'm alright," Hiro shouted hoping he sounded irritated rather than scared shitless. "What the hell! Can't a guy have any privacy?"

"Sorry, Hiro-san…" Nowaki mumbled apologetically. "You just seemed…uh, well…I'm sorry I overreacted."

_Why did this have to happen to me, _Hiro wondered desperately. _It nearly destroyed me when Daisuke betrayed me. What will happen if Nowaki… _He didn't even want to go down that road. _Damn it! How did I let myself get ensnared by that person so easily? _After splashing his face with cold water several times, he looked into the reflection of his wild, frightened eyes in the mirror. _This has got to stop! _He clenched his fists; bit his tongue and somewhere deep within he found the strength to still his emotional tempest. _I won't do this to myself again! I… don't even know… what his intentions are. Is he… just playing around with me too?_ Sighing wearily, Hiro dried his face and walked resolutely out of the bathroom.

"I'll be late for work if I don't leave right now." Although deep within his being Hiro longed for Nowaki to embrace and comfort him, there was no way he could ever show that side of himself to anyone. He'd been completely blindsided by this overwhelming love. Now that he'd acknowledged his true feelings, he felt more vulnerable than ever before.

Sensing his unease, Nowaki tentatively asked; "Would you mind if I accompanied you to the subway?"

"What happened to your car," Hiro exclaimed abruptly. Now that he'd thought about it, he hadn't noticed Nowaki's car parked in front of his apartment last night. _Nowaki must have walked all the way here from the store. No wonder he was soaked to the skin!_

"Well, it's kind of a long story," he replied abashedly.

"It's a long walk to the subway," Hiro responded his internal struggle momentarily beset by his curiosity.

"I'm not sure where to begin," Nowaki said hesitantly as they started walking down the sidewalk. He'd never revealed the truth about his past to anyone before, but the sincere look in Hiro's eyes encouraged him to continue. "My biological parents died when I was a small child. I… have no memory of them. " He paused for a moment and the sad expression that swept almost imperceptibly across his face made Hiro's heart ache. "Since I had no other relatives, I ended up in an orphanage. When I was thirteen years old, Kobayashi Daichi and his son, Ichirou visited my orphanage. At the time, I was in the office fixing the secretary's computer." Laughing nervously he added; "I guess I've always had a natural aptitude for computers. Anyway, not long after that I… began living in the Kobayashi family home."

Hiro stopped suddenly in shock by this surprising revelation. Kobayashi Daichi was one of the most powerful men in the world. "Why, if he already had an heir, would someone like Kobayashi-sama adopt…"

"Kobayashi-sama never adopted me," Nowaki quickly interjected. "I was just…" he paused looking so vulnerable it made Hiro want to wrap him in a comforting embrace. "I… just suddenly found myself living with Ichirou-san. We barely ever saw Kobayashi-sama. The only time he ever came to the house was New Year's Day and Ichirou-san's birthday. He rarely ever talked to me. It was almost as if I didn't exist in his eyes." Once again that pained expression swept subtly across Nowaki's face. "But Ichirou-san was always kind to me. Even though he was three years older than me, he let me tag along with him where ever he went. In school, the only subjects I was good at were Science and Math. If it weren't for Ichirou-san, I would never have graduated high school much less gotten into a decent college. Even the business I have now wouldn't have been possible without Ichirou-san's help. Finally, with the success of my latest creation, I'll be able to repay the loan Ichirou-san gave me and become completely independent, although I'll… still have to live at his house for a little while longer," he added hesitantly.

"You mean that house… isn't yours," Hiro asked incredulously.

Nowaki's cheeks reddened slightly. "I never told you it was my home. You just assumed it was."

"So the car you drove me home in…"

"Is not my car either," He answered uneasily. "Does it bother you… that I'm not as successful as you are?"

"What do you mean?" Hiro inquired in confusion. "I don't understand… Hey what the…" Hiro gasped as he was suddenly pulled into the alley. "What's going on?" He demanded as Nowaki embraced him desperately.

"Please don't look down on me Hiro-san, now that you know the… truth about me. I… I know I'm not your equal yet, but I will work hard and do my best so that someday… I can stand confidently by your side."

"Idiot, I don't care about any of that," Hiro exclaimed blushing furiously.

"But you're so amazing, Hiro-san! I promise, someday I'll be successful too," he declared before capturing Hiro's lips in a long, passionate kiss.

Hiro sighed in resignation and eagerly returned Nowaki's kiss. _Although his arms once reminded me of Daisuke,_ _Nowaki is a completely different person,_ Hiro realized in relief._ Not only in the way he acts, but also in the way he makes love to me._ Even though a small part of his psyche was begging him to be cautious, Hiro was beginning to think that maybe… just maybe he'd found a lover that wouldn't betray him.


	5. Obsession

Hiro walked silently down the hallway. Ever since Inoue's confession, and the subsequent night of passion he'd spent with Nowaki, the atmosphere at K Publishing had become quite strained to say the least. Instead of giving up after being so soundly rejected, Inoue's advances had increased. His overly familiar mannerisms had always been a nuisance to Hiro, but now they were beginning to infuriate him. If he were a woman, he probably would have long ago charged his hormone-laden subordinate with sexual harassment.

Peering around the corner, he noted in relief that Inoue was nowhere to be found. He'd hoped that maybe today would be the day he could slip out of the building without…

"Kamijou-senpai…"

_Damn it,_ Hiro cursed under his breath. "What is it this time, Inoue" he asked irritably over his shoulder as he continued toward the elevator.

"I was wondering…" he began hesitantly. "You… promised to have dinner with me and I was hoping that… maybe we could go out tonight."

"I don't ever remember promising you anything." Glaring at Inoue, he punched the elevator's call button slightly harder than necessary.

"The last time we had dinner together, I let you pay for me under the condition that you would let me return the favor." _Get a hold of yourself_, Inoue chastised himself. _You're beginning to sound too pathetic!_

_Naturally, _Hiro noted sardonically as he walked into the empty elevator with Inoue close at his heel. _Every other day this stupid thing is packed!_ "I'll be damned if I'm going to let your selective memory drag me into anything! Besides…" a slight blush crept across his cheeks, "I… have too much work to do tonight."

_What work are you talking about Kamijou-senpai,_ Inoue wondered as an uneasy silence descended upon them. _For the past several weeks, it's as if he's been avoiding me! _"Is it because I confessed to you," he asked suddenly pressing Hiro against the elevator wall. "Is that the reason you've been so distant?"

"What the hell are you talking about," Hiro snapped back as he tried unsuccessfully to push Inoue away. "We see each other every day."

"That's not what I mean and you know it! We used to always have dinner together. But for the last several weeks, you haven't gone out with me once."

"Damn it, Inoue! You know how hectic it's been here lately…"

"Don't feed me that bullshit," he exclaimed trying desperately not to succumb to the pain tearing at his heart. "The reason you rush out of here every night…" a sickening notion hit him suddenly. "You've been meeting someone haven't you!"

"That's none of your damn business!"

"If you don't have a lover, then kiss me." Not giving Hiro a chance to decline, he swooped down and kissed his defenseless senpai.

Hiro's eyes widened in shock as Inoue's lips pressed forcefully against his. He was definitely a good kisser. In fact, if he didn't already have a lover and hadn't been constantly harassed by this person, he certainly would have enjoyed it. But they weren't Nowaki's lips and regardless of how good it felt, Hiro would never betray the person he loved. Bracing himself against the wall, he shoved Inoue as hard as he could sending his subordinate flying to the other side of the elevator. "What in the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Before Inoue had a chance to answer, the elevator stopped a few floors shy of their destination and several people entered. Most of them were busy chatting about the upcoming weekend and completely oblivious of Hiro and Inoue. A couple of shrewd women, however, immediately noticed the tense atmosphere. Hiro could see them taking furtive glances at Inoue and him. Gritting his teeth, he ignored not only their curiosity, but Inoue's wounded expression as well. He hated that Inoue had fallen in love with him, and he wished that his stubborn subordinate would just give up and find someone else.

After couple of discomforting minutes, the elevator finally arrived at the ground floor. Unnervingly conscious of the women's continued scrutiny, Hiro grabbed Inoue's elbow and maneuvered him none too gently away from the crowd. "Listen closely to what I have to say," he hissed menacingly into Inoue's ear. "Obviously, you didn't take my rejection seriously. So this time I'll spell it out clearly for you. If you ever try anything like that again, I'll make you wish you'd never been born!" With that Hiro slowly backed away his piercing eyes boring holes into what was left of Inoue's heart. Then he turned abruptly on his heel and marched purposefully out the door.

_Damn it,_ Inoue cursed as watched Hiro's departure with a heavy heart. Without giving it a second thought, he slipped covertly into his senpai's wake. He hadn't been serious when he'd accused Hiro of having a lover, but after his reaction, it was painfully obvious that it was true.

_When and how did you meet this person, _he wondered as he zigzagged lithely through the crowd staying far enough away to be inconspicuous. _It couldn't be a stranger. There's no way Kamijou-senpai would ever let someone he didn't know get close to him so quickly. _A sudden notion sent his tattered heart careening uncomfortably into his stomach. _He must have gone back to the person who'd hurt him so badly. _Without warning, images of Hiro's suffering face flashed through his tortured mind. For so long, he'd watched Hiro silently bear the weight of that burden. Although he'd fallen hopelessly in love with his senpai's beautiful, tormented countenance, he couldn't bear the thought of watching him endure that kind of pain again.

_Why did you reject me and go back to him?_ He speculated miserably as he followed Hiro into the subway station. It was so crowded, a couple of times he almost lost track of his quarry. _This is crazy! Why am I doing this,_ he wondered seriously questioning his sanity as he crept behind a rotund, middle aged business man. Deep in his heart, Inoue knew he was behaving piteously, but after glancing back into Hiro's brooding face, he knew in his heart he would never be able to leave his stubborn senpai alone. _Damn it! I love him so much! If only he would give me a chance, I know I could make him happy. _Never losing sight of Hiro, he purchased a newspaper and waited for the train with the rest of the evening commuters.

When the train arrived, Inoue noted which compartment Hiro entered, and after waiting several tense seconds, he surreptitiously followed this time slinking behind an attractive woman and her overly fawning companion. Unable to find a seat, he positioned himself so that he could occasionally take secretive glimpses of his unsuspecting senpai. Feigning to read his paper as a cover, he grabbed the hand rail and settled in for the ride.

After several minutes, Inoue chanced a quick glance at Hiro. He was staring off into space and it was blatantly apparent that he was thinking about someone special. It made Inoue's frayed heart throb painfully to see the person he loved so much thinking about someone else, especially when that other person had already hurt his beloved so badly. _Why couldn't it be me, senpai? What's wrong with me?_ Forcibly tearing his eyes away from Hiro, he turned his attention back to his newspaper. This time he actually tried to read some of it, but he couldn't keep his mind on the print long enough to get interested in any of the articles.

When at last the train arrived at Hiro's stop, Inoue followed him though the crowded station and out into the slowly fading sunlight. As they traveled away from the subway station, the crowd slowly began to dwindle. By the time they'd gotten within a couple of blocks from Hiro's apartment, there weren't enough people in which Inoue could conceal his identity so he decided to change his tactic. Although he'd only been to Hiro's apartment once briefly to drop off a forgotten manuscript, he had never forgotten its location. Veering into a nearby alley, he raced along what he'd hoped would be an adequate enough of a shortcut to allow him to reach Hiro's apartment first.

_If I only had the chance to spend some time with him away from everyone else, I know I could show him how sincerely I love him._ Stopping short at the end of the alley, Inoue noticed a tall handsome man reclining casually next to Hiro's apartment door. _He really has been meeting with someone, _he thought desolately as the last of his hopes withered away. A sudden surge of rage coursed through his soul as he remembered the many months he'd watched his beloved senpai suffering all alone as a result of this person's cruelty. Clenching his fists, it took all of his self control to keep from racing across the street and beating the hell out of that rotten, fucking jerk. _Get a hold of yourself, Inoue; _he whispered taking a deep calming breath. _You can't let Kamijou-senpai know you've been following him._ Ducking back into the shadows, he silently appraised his rival. _Someday I swear I will make you suffer for all of the pain you inflicted upon my senpai!_

Hiro, still fuming over Inoue's brash, undesirable kiss, walked at a furious pace toward his apartment. _That bastard! How dare he take advantage of me like that! So help me, when I get back to the office next Monday, I'm going to bury him in so much work, he'll never have time to mess with me again!_

Turning the corner, Hiro noticed a familiar figure reclined at his doorway. As if sensing his presence, Nowaki leapt sprightly to his feet a large welcoming smile spread effortlessly across his all too handsome face. The mere sight of that smile instantly dissolved all of Hiro's anger and tension as assuredly as cotton candy dissolves on the tongue, and just like that air-spun, sugary confection, it sent a sweet rush of adrenaline coursing through his body. Normally, he would forcefully suppress such an uncharacteristically sentimental emotion, but after this long, tiresome day all Hiro wanted was to become lost in Nowaki's embrace. Excitement and anticipation urged him forward, but just before he reached his destination, Hiro stopped short and glanced around nervously.

"Don't worry," Nowaki whispered confidently pulling Hiro into an ardent embrace. "No one can see us." Nowaki had only intended to give him a quick hug, but the intense desire in Hiro's eyes sent his libido instantly into overdrive. Unable to stop himself, he captured Hiro's lips with a long, searing kiss.

Across the street still hidden in the shadows, Inoue jealously watched the lovers embrace and kiss passionately before reluctantly parting to slip into the privacy of Hiro's apartment. _Damn it senpai! I know that bastard is going to hurt you again._ Bitter tears began to streak down his reddened cheeks. _When it happens, I will be there for you. No matter how many times you reject me, I will never leave you. _He turned and headed dejectedly back to the subway station._ If at all possible, _he vowed ominously, _I will do my best to take you away from him! _


	6. Fears from the Past

Nowaki kissed Hiro passionately their naked, glistening bodies still intimately intertwined. Ever since that providential night when this drunken, ill-humored, beauty stumbled into his life, he had fallen more deeply in love with Hiro than he'd ever imagined was possible. Nowaki had learned early in their relationship that terms of endearment tended to make Hiro uncomfortable. In fact, they usually made him downright combative. Never the less, throughout their brief, intense courtship, he'd longed to verbally express the love he'd always tried so desperately to convey through every caress and kiss.

Leaning back on his knees, Nowaki pulled Hiro up and onto his lap. Eyes half closed with a slight smile playing on his moist lips Hiro moaned wantonly. Nowaki tenderly embraced him and they once again fell into a slow, tantalizing rhythm. Everything about this moment, Hiro gasping softly into his ear each time pressing just a little deeper, and a little closer to fruition, was almost perfect. There was only one thing that was lacking and this time Nowaki was unable to contain it.

"I love you, Hiro-san," Nowaki whispered softly in his ear. "I love you."

With a shiver and a sharp intake of breath Hiro froze for a split second before wrapping his legs tighter around Nowaki's waist, and resuming a much more intense rhythm than before. It was Nowaki's turn to cry out now as Hiro brought him closer to the brink. Grasping Hiro by the hips, he thrust into him with all of his might. He was close, so very close, and he could tell by Hiro's strained, uneven breaths that it wouldn't be long before this erotic wrestling match of theirs would come to its climactic end. With one last forceful plunge the lovers cried out in unison and collapsed onto the futon in satiety.

"Hiro-san…" he wanted to declare his love again. More than anything he wanted Hiro to say 'I love you' in return, but Nowaki could tell by the embarrassed and slightly frightened look on his face that it wouldn't happen tonight.

"Nowaki I… I'm… first in the bath tonight," he said awkwardly and hastily retreated into the bathroom.

Nowaki rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. A small, sad smile crept across his lips. He was relatively sure that Hiro loved him. After all, he didn't seem like the kind of person who would casually have sex with someone he didn't love, but it certainly would be nice to know for sure. _Does he really love me?_ A deeply rooted fear crept quietly from the quagmire of his past making Nowaki's heart throb painfully. _Will I be abandoned again?_

The ringing of his cell phone pulled Nowaki gratefully from his dark, tormented thoughts. Rolling lazily on his stomach, he reached over the side of the futon and fumbled through the carelessly discarded clothing. As he pulled the phone out of his pocket, he was shocked by the familiar number that appeared on the screen.

"Hello, Ichirou-san?"

["Hey Nowaki, I just flew into town! Why don't you come pick me up and I'll buy you a couple of drinks to celebrate?"]

"I… I'm sorry Ichirou-san I can't do it. I'm… not home right now."

["You're not still at work are you?"] He sounded so concerned it made Nowaki smile in spite of his misgivings.

"No, of course not, I'm at… a friend's house."

["A friend huh, someone I know,"] he asked.

"No… you don't know him. We met a couple of months ago."

["That's good,"] the tone of his voice made Nowaki decidedly nervous. ["Tell me what the address is and I'll come pick the two of you up and we'll all go drinking together!"]

"NO! Ah… I mean… that's not necessary," he stammered trying vainly to cover up his sudden panic. "I was just leaving anyway. I'll meet up with you at the house."

Nowaki snapped the phone shut, shoved it back into his pants pocket and hurriedly threw his clothes on.

"Hiro-san," he called out as he knocked on the bathroom door. "Hiro-san can you hear me?"

There was no answer. _He must still be in the shower. _Nowaki couldn't afford to wait another second. _I'll just leave him a note._ Grabbing a blank piece of paper from Hiro's printer and a pen from his desk, Nowaki quickly scribbled a few lines and hoped it would be enough of an explanation. _I'm sorry Hiro-san, _he whispered as he placed the note prominently on the futon. Then he took one last regretful glance back and quietly slipped out the door.

The autumn wind cut straight through Nowaki's sweater as he walked briskly to the subway. It was one of those perfect, cloudless nights that was not quite cold enough yet to make him want to stay indoors, but cold enough to make him wish he'd grabbed his jacket. Neither the wind nor the star filled sky could quiet the tempest that was brewing in his heart. _Ichirou-san, why did you have to come home now? _

It's not that Nowaki was unhappy to see Ichirou. In fact, he was overjoyed at the prospect of seeing him again. From the moment he'd been plucked from the orphanage, Ichirou had been the most important person in his life, but now for the first time he would have to share that position with another. _Please, Ichirou-san,_ Nowaki secretly implored. _Please just give Hiro-san a chance. I know you would like him if you would just give him a chance._

As he made his way through the crowded subway station, Nowaki tried to keep the memories Ichirou's voice had stirred up from overwhelming him. Good and bad alike, each memory strove for dominance in his tormented mind until at last, as he entered the train and settled in for the long ride home, one memory managed to overshadow all of the others…

With shaking hands, Nowaki packed his meager belongings into his tattered bag. Finally, after living in the orphanage for the past ten years, someone had come to claim him. He was going to have a place where he belonged – a place where he was wanted! The kind matron at the orphanage had tried so many times to place Nowaki with a family, but there had always been a reason he hadn't been chosen. 'He's too big, he's too clumsy,' or the ever popular 'he's too old. We want to adopt a baby.' How often he'd watched with envious eyes as some other child walked out the door hand in hand with their new parents.

_At last it's my turn!_ He picked up his bag, hugged his friends good-bye, and after taking one last look around, walked eagerly toward his bright future. Instead of the family he'd longed for, however; Nowaki found himself riding for the first time in a limousine next to a beautiful, aloof man.

"Um…" Nowaki said timidly. "Are you my new father?"

"No, my name is Sato Ren. Kobayashi-sama will explain your position when we arrive."

"I… don't understand," he asked trying desperately to hold on to his hope. "Who will be adopting me?"

Sato sighed wearily. "Just be patient, Kobayashi-sama will explain everything."

Nowaki's heart sank at the mention of that name. Kobayashi was the bad tempered man who, if the rumors were true, owned not only half of Japan, but several large corporations around the world. The day before he'd come to the orphanage sending the staff into a panic and frightening most of the children. Nowaki had only been vaguely aware of his presence though. It was Kobayashi Ichirou that had captured his attention. He was by far the most attractive person Nowaki had ever seen. Nearly as tall as his father, Ichirou's athletic build, along with his engaging friendly eyes and natural charm was the complete opposite of Kobayashi-sama. All of the single female employees (along with several of the married ones) vied for his attention. In the interval of a mere hour, they had come and gone leaving nothing but chaos in their wake. _What could Kobayashi-sama possibly want with me;_ he wondered as he swiftly left everything familiar behind.

They finally arrived at the grandest house Nowaki had ever seen. Clutching his worn out bag, he followed Sato through an endless maze of corridors until they reached an immense, richly decorated office. There sitting behind a well polished, mahogany desk was the ever-imposing Kobayashi-sama. Leaving Nowaki's side, Sato rounded the desk and stood obediently next to his master.

His eyes never leaving Nowaki, Kobayashi pushed a button on his phone. "Bring Ichirou here immediately."

["Yes Kobayashi-sama."]

For what felt like an eternity Nowaki squirmed in Kobayashi's intense, appraising gaze. Never had he felt such apprehension. Never had he felt so utterly alone. _What is to become of me?_

"I suppose you are wondering why you were brought here, Kusama Nowaki" Kobayashi asked still scrutinizing him closely.

Recalling the scant information Sato had revealed earlier, Nowaki deduced that he'd been hired rather than adopted, but being an employee in this grand home was far better than being a penniless orphan. "Kobayashi-sama," he began bowing reverentially. "I will work hard in whatever position you place me."

"You are a clever one," Kobayashi said with a sly smile. "This one will do nicely."

Before he had the chance to ponder the ominous meaning behind those words, Ichirou entered the office.

"You called for… me," he faltered for a moment when he noticed Nowaki standing stiffly in the middle of the room. "No, father," his face turned bright red with his mounting anger. "I've already told you that I would not accept this!"

"It has always been a tradition for the Kobayashi heir to receive a consort on his sixteenth birthday," Kobayashi bellowed his face turning just as red as his son's. "Why else would we be visiting those filthy orphanages?"

"C..consort," Nowaki stuttered glancing warily from one Kobayashi to the next. "I don't understand. What do you want from me?"

"You've been purchased to be my whore," Ichirou spat with undisguised disgust. "I will never accept this father. Your 'relationship' with Sato is what drove my mother to an early grave. I will never defile her memory by following in your depraved footsteps!"

"If this boy is not to your liking," Kobayashi answered dismissively ignoring his son's objection. "We will simply send him back and find someone more suitable."

"It doesn't matter who you drag in here," Ichirou countered in frustration. "I'll…" he broke off suddenly as Nowaki approached him tearfully.

"What's wrong with me this time," he asked softly with downcast eyes. "Is there nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"Don't you understand what is happening here," Ichirou yelled incredulously grabbing Nowaki's shoulders. "You're basically being asked to prostitute yourself! Surely you must have more self respect than that!"

"I don't mind if it's with you, Ichirou-san," Nowaki replied looking plaintively into his eyes.

"You are obviously a bright boy," Ichirou reasoned desperately. "How could you possibly be content with such a future?"

"What future does an unwanted orphan truly have," he asked miserably.

Withered by his large, pain filled eyes and touched by his unconditional devotion, Ichirou reluctantly acquiesced. "You win father," he grudgingly murmured wrapping his arms around Nowaki. "I will accept this boy, but only if you will arrange for him to attend my high school, agree to pay for his college education, and allow us to live in the city."

A passenger accidentally bumped into Nowaki jolting him back into the present. The bittersweet memory of his thirteen-year-old self brought a wry smile to his face. Arriving at his destination, he exited the train and walked absentmindedly through the station. As he rushed to the home he'd shared with Ichirou, he thought of the two years they'd lived together.

Although Ichirou had accepted Nowaki as his consort, they were more like siblings than lovers. At the time, Nowaki had been convinced that he was in love with Ichirou, and the lack of interest by his beloved savior had hurt him deeply. In retaliation to Ichirou's seeming indifference, he began dating anyone who took an interest to him. Even though he had more female admirers than male, he discovered early on that he preferred dating men. It's not that he found women to be repulsive, he was simply more comfortable with men, and when it came to intimacy, no matter how beautiful the woman was, he just wouldn't desire her.

This tactic did manage to get Ichirou's attention in that he would never fail to come between Nowaki and his latest admirer, but in spite of it all, their relationship remained purely platonic. Although this frustrated Nowaki, he loved living with Ichirou. He knew he was loved and cherished (albeit not nearly as much as he wanted), and it was entirely wonderful up until the day of Ichirou's high school graduation. Quite suddenly, Ichirou withdrew his application to the college he'd chosen in Tokyo and moved with his father to America.

Once again Nowaki had been abandoned. Although he was able to stay in their home and continued to attend Ichirou's elite high school, it meant nothing to him. Yes he was grateful for all of the amenities in which he enjoyed, never failing to work diligently at his studies. But without Ichirou, his most important person, he was miserable.

Unfettered and still stinging from his recent estrangement from Ichirou, Nowaki entered the dating scene with reckless abandon. After several intense months, however, he became weary of it all eventually settling into a quiet, solitary existence. More than ever, he was convinced that he was in love with Ichirou. Out of all the people Nowaki had dated, no one it seemed could fill the void he left behind, that is of course until the day he'd stumbled upon Kamijou Hiroki. Now that he'd experienced true love with Hiro, he'd come to realize his feelings for Ichirou were nothing more than admiration and gratitude.

Finally, after seven long years, Nowaki was going to see Ichirou again. He really wanted to introduce him to Hiro, but at the same time, he was afraid. It's true that when they lived together, Ichirou had always done something to break up his relationships, but all that had happened when they were kids. _Surely, now that we're both adults, such a thing wouldn't happen… would it, _Nowaki wondered apprehensively as he walked into the house to await his long, lost Ichirou-san.


	7. Setbacks and Near Misses

Not ten minutes after Nowaki returned to his home, a large limousine arrived. Walking out onto the porch, he watched a large, handsome, American man climb out of the limo. The man paused momentarily as his restless eyes swept over the area, then he stepped aside allowing Ichirou to climb out as well. It had been eight years since Nowaki had last laid his eyes upon Ichirou and he noted with relief that his beloved savior still looked exactly the same. His jet black, disheveled hair still fell haphazardly into his beautiful dark brown eyes. In sharp contrast to his crisp white shirt, Ichirou's flawless lightly tanned skin still looked incredibly enticing. Wearing a well tailored, dark blue Armani suit, he looked like he'd come from a photo shoot instead of a boardroom.

"Ichirou-san," he exclaimed as they fell into a familiar embrace. This time Nowaki's heart didn't beat wildly in his chest, and he knew for certain he'd never been in love with this important person. _No, that's not exactly right,_ he pondered as he stepped back looking once more into Ichirou's eyes. _I still love him, it's just not the same as the way I love Hiro-san. _

"You look exactly the same as I remembered," Ichirou remarked affectionately; "except you never stopped growing!"

Now that he'd mentioned it, Nowaki realized that for the first time since they'd met, he was looking down at Ichirou. _I can't believe it! I've got to be at least six centimeters taller than Ichirou-san!_

"Hey," Ichirou punched Nowaki playfully on his shoulder, "don't let that abnormal growth spurt of yours go to your head! You still have to respect your elders!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Nowaki saw Ichirou's companion tense visibly.

"Where are my manners," Ichirou replied gesturing to the behemoth next to him. "Nowaki, this is my body guard Josh Peterson. Josh, this is my beloved little brother, Nowaki."

Nowaki inwardly winced at this. Although he'd always known Ichirou cared for him dearly, never during the entire time they'd been together had such a reference been made. "You'd better not let Kobayashi-sama hear you say that. He'd probably…"

"My father is dead," Ichirou stated dully. "He and Sato-san were in a car accident. Father died instantly, and a few days later, Sato-san died as well."

"I'm sorry, Ichirou-san," Nowaki choked on his words. "Why didn't you tell me? I know I wouldn't have been welcome at the funeral, but at least I could have been there for you!"

"Nowaki," he began affectionately. "I wanted you, more than you could possibly know, but I didn't want you anywhere near the rest of my family. They're nothing but a pack of vultures! Father hadn't been dead an hour when the first of them arrived." His voice shook as the memory of that awful time slammed into him again. "The filthy hypocrites… coming to me with their hollow words of condolence when all they really wanted was to tear his empire apart and grab as much of it as their greedy talons could carry away."

Josh approached Ichirou and awkwardly placed a large hand on his employer's shoulder. Smiling gratefully at him, Ichirou continued. "For the first time, I was thankful I'd moved to New York with father. During that time, he'd been gradually giving me more responsibilities. It didn't take me long to realize that he was slowly giving me control over everything he owned. I suspect he was planning to retire early with Sato-san." A hint of pain flashed briefly across his beautiful face before it was replaced once more with bitter anger. "When they discovered I was already in control of the Kobayashi dynasty, the shit really hit the fan. A couple even tried to contest my authority, but father had taken care of the transfer so completely, in the end, they all had to be satisfied with whatever portion they received from his will. Even though father had been more than generous, some of them still were not satisfied!" He looked sadly into Nowaki's eyes. "If you'd been there, they would have ripped you to shreds."

"Wait just a minute," Nowaki protested heatedly. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't need you to protect me!"

"I can see that now," he responded with the familiar condescending laugh that never failed to infuriate Nowaki. He stopped suddenly. "It's just that, I've always done my best to shield you from their wrath. I guess I've done it so often, it's become a habit, but let's not dwell on those unpleasant memories any longer."

"Kobayashi-sama," Josh said tapping him lightly on the shoulder. "It's getting late."

"Thanks Josh! We'd better hurry up." Ichirou grabbed Nowaki's elbow and directed him back toward the house.

"Late for what," Nowaki asked yanking his arm out of Ichirou's grip. "What's going on? I thought we were just going out for some drinks!"

"I changed my mind," noting the indignation that was clearly brewing on Nowaki's face he hastily continued. "Look, I haven't had a vacation since that time we went to the onsen during summer break. I really need to get away from it all just for a little while. You've got some vacation time coming, don't you?"

"Yes I do, but…"

"Then please come with me. It's been so long since we've seen each other."

Nowaki sighed in resignation. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a couple of days off, but that's all. I can't afford to be away for too long."

* * *

Hiro burst into his apartment and threw his briefcase across the living room in disgust. The past four days had been a horrendous chimera! Not only had Nowaki left without telling him goodbye, this whole time he hadn't heard a word from him. Every time Hiro tried to contact him, the only options he had were either to leave a message on his voicemail, or send him a text message. Not that he would ever do either of them. First of all, he hated leaving messages on that damn thing, and secondly, it would make him look too much like a desperate female! He went into his bedroom and reread, for the thousandth time, Nowaki's note:

_Hiro-san,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't tell you goodbye. There's something important I have to do right  
_ _now. See you soon._

_Nowaki_

"Damn it! What kind of moron disappears right after confessing his love?" As he flopped listlessly onto his futon, a barrage of familiar fears assaulted him again. _Does he regret telling me he loves me? Was it all a big mistake? Is that why he's run off and refuses to contact me? Or was this all just a game? _Another thought popped into his already tortured mind. _I never told him that I love him. What if he thinks I'm just playing with him? _

The phone rang pulling Hiro gratefully from his tortured musings. He reached automatically into his pocket. "Shit," he cursed angrily remembering that he'd lost his cell phone earlier in the day. Sprinting into the living room, he grabbed the phone anxiously. "Hello?"

["Hello Kamijou-senpai."]

"What do you want now, Inoue-san," he asked clearly disappointed.

["I just called to check on you,"] he said nervously. ["You've been so pale lately. I… well, actually not just me… everyone's been worried about you!"]

Hiro felt the heat creeping into his cheeks. "Everyone should just mind their own damn business!" As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted what he'd said. After all he had been a wreck the past few days, and each day that passed without any word from Nowaki only made his disposition worse. When you add four sleepless nights and a complete lack of appetite to the mix, it's no wonder everyone was worried.

["Kamijou-senpai,"] he began hesitantly. ["I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but… some of the staff approached me and asked me to check on you, and well… I wanted to know… if you haven't eaten yet… would you please have dinner with me tonight."]

Heavy with remorse, Hiro slumped into a chair. He hated what this was doing to him, and most of all he hated the fact that everyone had noticed just how out of control his emotions had become. _This has got to stop,_ he chastised himself. Even though he wasn't quite ready yet to forgive Inoue for his unsolicited kiss, he was ashamed that he'd worried his coworkers enough to press Inoue into this awkward position. "Fine, I'll have dinner with you."

["Senpai… you're really going to go out with me?"]

"Look, I'm ONLY having dinner with you, and I'm ONLY doing it to make everyone stop worrying about me. Do you know the restaurant on the corner of B and L Avenue?"

["Yeah, I've been there before."]

"Meet me there in one hour." Hiro slammed the phone down and walked angrily into the bathroom. A dull pain had settled behind his eyes and he knew it wouldn't be long before that dull pain became a throbbing headache. He splashed some cold water on his face and reached for the medicine cabinet to retrieve some aspirin, but stopped cold when he saw his reflection in the mirror. That pathetic person just couldn't be him. Yanking open the cabinet, he grabbed a couple of aspirin, popped them into his mouth and chased them with a glass of water. He closed the cabinet and leaned his forehead against the cool mirror. This was worse than anything he'd ever experienced with Daisuke. _Damn it Nowaki! If you're going to break up with me, I wish you'd just be man enough to tell me. _

Just thinking about Nowaki sent a wave a pain through Hiro's heart. He dried the moisture that hadn't already evaporated off his face, straightened his tie, and headed apprehensively out the door.

* * *

Nowaki snapped his phone shut in disgust. Ever since he'd returned with Ichirou from their vacation, he'd been trying desperately to get in touch with Hiro. If he'd known beforehand that Ichirou was going to drag him off to a private island, he never would have gone with him. Worse yet, it was one of those islands that had no internet, no phones, and being out in the middle of the Pacific ocean, of course Nowaki had no cell phone service. _Hiro-san's gonna kill me!_

"Can't get in touch with your lover," Ichirou asked.

He was trying his best to sound nonchalant, but Nowaki could distinctly hear the underlying apprehension in his voice. "I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Don't take me for a fool, Nowaki! I know that look all too well."

Nowaki sighed in resignation. He'd never been able to keep secrets from Ichirou, and from the look of it, he never would. "His name is Kamijou Hiroki… the person I was trying to reach just now, and yes, he's my lover."

"Kamijou Hiroki…" Ichirou repeated idly. Ever since their reunion, Nowaki had continued to surprise him. The awkward, headstrong, and quite often rash teenage boy he'd left behind had grown into a strong, mature man. Although this was painfully obvious, Ichirou still felt a familiar overwhelming urge to protect him. "What is his occupation?"

"He's the executive editor at K Publishing," Nowaki eagerly volunteered, encouraged by his calm façade.

"He's an executive editor? Just how old is this person?"

Nowaki's eyes brightened and he smiled earnestly at the thought of his adorable, ill-tempered lover. "He's only twenty seven! Isn't that amazing, Ichirou-san?"

Now that he'd abandoned all pretenses, Ichirou could clearly see just how smitten Nowaki had become. _He is really serious about this one,_ Ichirou realized as he fought to hold down the unexpected and completely irrational surge of jealousy that had suddenly gripped his heart. Not even when Nowaki had tried in the past to seduce him, had he ever seen such love in his beautiful, dark eyes. "K Publishing… that name sounds familiar."

"What do you mean by that, Ichirou-san," Nowaki asked suspiciously.

"There are several businesses I've been interested in, and if I'm not mistaken, K Publishing is one of them."

"Ichirou-san, don't you dare," Nowaki warned through his clenched teeth.

Ichirou feigned a wounded look not only to cover his irritation, but also to play upon Nowaki's sympathetic nature. "You're not suggesting that I would threaten Kamijou-san?"

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting," he fired back not at all fazed by the change in Ichirou's disposition. "I'm not a fool! I know you were the cause of nearly every failed relationship I had in high school. Obviously, none of my former lovers were important to me, or I would have fought harder to keep them. But Hiro-san means the world to me, and I swear, if you do anything to break us up, I'll…" He turned abruptly away from Ichirou and walked across the living room to cool off.

"Do you really want to know the truth about your so-called lovers," he asked struggling himself to keep his temper in check.

Nowaki turned and looked apprehensively into Ichirou's eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Does it really matter now," Ichirou asked hoping desperately that Nowaki would let it drop.

"Yes," he replied clearly shaken.

Ichirou paused to silently berate his careless tongue. He'd never wanted Nowaki to know about this. "Your former lovers… never really cared about you."

"How can you say such a thing," Nowaki asked incredulously. "You never spent any time with them! How could you possibly know how they felt about me?"

"Whenever you started seriously going out with someone, I would secretly summon them to test whether they truly loved you." Ichirou paused reluctantly. He knew this revelation would be painful, but he could no longer afford to put it off. Looking directly into Nowaki's eyes, he took a deep breath. "I offered them money to break up with you. I figured if the person really loved you, no amount of money would make them want to leave you. Obviously, every one of your so-called lovers failed the test."

"So that's what happened," he simply replied. "I always wondered what you'd done to make them break up with me. I never dreamed it would be so easy for you." He turned back toward the window and watched the ghostly fragments of a cloud drift lazily across the crescent moon. _Every one of them, _Nowaki wondered miserably. Of course he knew that not all of his former lovers had been serious, but he was surprised to learn that all of them had succumbed so easily. _Wait a minute… _he whirled back around. "What about Chou and Kiku-chan… did you pay them off as well?"

"No, of course not, but unfortunately you broke up with them anyway."

A large knot formed in the pit of Nowaki's stomach. "Don't go there, Ichirou-san," he warned defensively.

"Why shouldn't I," Ichirou exclaimed. "You're the one that brought it up!"

Nowaki took a deep breath to calm himself down. "I'm sorry your father's strange relationship with Sato-san drove your mother to her death. I realize that tragedy has made you prejudiced against homosexual relationships, but I truly, deeply love Hiro-san, and nothing you say or do will ever change that."

"When are you going to realize the truth," he countered stubbornly. "It is unnatural for two men to fall in love with each other!"

"There is nothing wrong about the love I feel for Hiro-san," Nowaki answered unflinchingly. "And while we're at it, when are you going to realize your own feelings?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not blind! I've seen the way Josh looks at you." He pointed at the silent and obviously embarrassed body guard. "And I've notice that you…"

In a sudden rage, Ichirou grabbed Nowaki's arm and pulled him roughly away from Josh, through the house and into his bedroom. "What the hell is wrong with you? There was no need to embarrass Josh like that. All I am trying to do is protect my precious little brother!"

Yanking himself out of Ichirou's grip, Nowaki spat back, "I'm not your precious little brother! I've never been your precious little brother. Kobayashi-sama always made it perfectly clear… just what I was supposed to be."

"I don't care what my father intended," he yelled with such a helpless, pleading look in his eyes it made Nowaki instantly regret snapping at him. "I've always loved you as if you were my flesh and blood brother. You and my mother were the only two people who have ever treated me normally. To everyone else, I was nothing more than Kobayashi-sama's son, or simply the Kobayashi heir."

Ichirou walked across the room. "All of my life, all I've ever heard was; 'yes Kobayashi-sama,' or 'no Kobayashi-sama.' It was almost as if I weren't human. My mother was the only person who treated me like a real person. I would never have known love if it weren't for her. When she… committed suicide, I was afraid I'd never be loved like that again, but then you unexpectedly came into my life."

He walked over and awkwardly placed his hands on Nowaki's shoulders. "The moment I looked into your frightened eyes I could tell that you were as lonely and miserable as I was, and somehow I knew you would love me the way mother had loved me. From that day forward, regardless of what my father had planned, you became my precious little brother." Impulsively, he embraced Nowaki. "How could I let you make the same mistake as my father?"

"My love for Hiro-san is not a mistake," Nowaki exclaimed as he pushed Ichirou away. "And I don't give a damn about what you or anyone else thinks!"

"Does this Hiro-san of yours love you as much as you love him," Ichirou asked suddenly.

Nowaki felt the color drain from his cheeks as another knot formed painfully in his stomach. "I… don't really know for sure."

"Then how can you know for certain that your relationship with him isn't a mistake?"

"Listen to me closely Ichirou-san," Nowaki warned as he emptied his cell phone, wallet and spare change from his pants pockets and placed them on his bedside table. "I love Hiro-san more than I've ever loved another person… including you, and I swear, if you ever do anything to ruin our relationship, I will never forgive you!" With that he retreated into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.

Ichirou stood rooted in place staring at the bathroom door. Never in all the time they'd been together, had Nowaki ever made such an ultimatum. The fear of once again being isolated and unloved threatened to overwhelm him. Suddenly, Nowaki's cell phone began to ring.

"Nowaki, your phone is ringing…" Ichirou said tentatively approaching the door. He could hear that Nowaki was already in the shower. Sighing heavily, he picked up the phone. "Hello."

["Um…excuse me. I must have dialed the wrong number. I was trying to reach Kusama Nowaki."]

"You've got the right number," Ichirou replied cordially. Nowaki's in the shower right now. Would you like to leave him a message?"

["No, that's not necessary. Sorry to have bothered you."]

_That was odd,_ Ichirou thought offhandedly as he placed the phone back on the table. He considered waiting for Nowaki, but decided against it. It would be better to let him cool off before trying to talk with him again. After glancing back one last time, he walked dejectedly out of the room.


	8. Deception

Walking back into his apartment, Hiro slumped into his favorite chair. Neither the aspirin he'd taken earlier nor the meager portion of food he'd managed to choke down had been enough to keep his annoying dull pain from becoming a full blown headache.

Surprisingly, they only good thing about the evening had been Inoue. He never touched Hiro, never bothered him about his obvious personal problems, and never even asked whether Hiro would like to go to his home for drinks like he would usually do. Inoue had tried to be a lively dinner companion, and it was clear that he was trying his best to cheer Hiro up, but it was all in vain. Nothing could abate the agony that filled his soul.

Hiro rubbed his temples and fought the tears that once again had begun to spill over his cheeks. The pain in his head rivaled his aching heart. At this point, he couldn't tell which was worse. _If only I could hear his voice…_ He thought longingly until his infamous pride suddenly kicked in._ What in the hell am I thinking? _

"Damn you Nowaki," he exclaimed heatedly. "Why did you confess your love to me and then disappear immediately afterwards? If you're gonna break up with me, do it quickly! Don't leave me out in the dark like this!"

With grim determination, Hiro grabbed the phone and dialed Nowaki's number. His heart nearly stopped beating when he realized that this time his call was actually going through. _Damn it! I wasn't expecting this! What am I going to…_

["Hello."]

_What the hell! That's not Nowaki's voice! _"Um…excuse me," Hiro stammered weakly. "I must have dialed the wrong number. I was trying to reach Kusama Nowaki."

["You've got the right number,"] a suave, male voice replied cordially. ["Nowaki's in the shower right now. Would you like to leave him a message?"]

"No, that's not necessary. Sorry to have bothered you." With shaking hands, Hiro hastily ended the call. _I can't believe it! Just like Daisuke… he's found someone else! _His tears were flowing freely now, but he paid them no mind. This was most definitely worse than Daisuke because he knew now that he'd never truly been in love at that time.

But this time was different. For the first time in his life, Hiro had given his heart to someone – someone who'd appeared to be in love with him – someone who should have cherished it forever. But instead of cherishing his heart, that person – his most important person – had pulverized it! He looked at his hands as if he were holding its bloody remnants. _When will I ever learn?_

* * *

Forcing its way through the serenity of slumber, a cacophonous sound wrenched Ichirou from his dream. "Junko-chan you'd better have a good excuse for waking me up," he growled into his cell phone.

["I'm sorry Kobayashi-sama. I know how much you hate calls this early in the morning, but President Tanaka-san has assured me that this is an emergency."]

Sighing wearily Ichirou sat up and retrieved his laptop from the nightstand. "Tanaka-san… from K Publishing?"

["Yes, Kobayashi-sama,"] she answered clearly relieved by the lack of anger in her superior's voice. ["It seems that his executive editor, Kamijou Hiroki has suddenly requested a leave of absence and Tanaka-san is urgently requesting you to postpone the inspection you were going to make today."]

_Kamijou Hiroki… Nowaki's lover? _Ichirou wondered as an uncomfortable weight settled in the pit of his stomach. _What the hell? _"Did Kamijou-san give any reason for his sudden departure?"

["Apparently he needed the time off to settle a personal matter."] After waiting several seconds for a reply, Junko hesitantly asked, ["What shall I tell Tanaka-san?"]

"Tell him I'll postpone the inspection until the day after tomorrow, but whether Kamijou-san returns or not, he'd better be ready."

["Understood Kobayashi-sama, please forgive my intrusion."]

"Junko-chan," he added as an afterthought. "I want to be informed immediately, if you hear anything else about Kamijou-san."

["Ah, yes Kobayashi-sama,"] she replied with obvious confusion.

Absentmindedly, Ichirou turned on the television as per his custom, but not even the finance portion of the news captured his attention. _Damn it! That call last night… it must have been Kamijou-san! Shit! I wonder if Nowaki knows about this yet._ He got dressed quickly and walked into the dining room. Nowaki was already there reading the morning paper while he waited for the lavish breakfast the newly hired maid was preparing.

"Ichirou-san," Nowaki uncomfortably began, "I'm sorry I blew up at you last night."

_It doesn't look like he knows what's going on,_ Ichirou thought in relief."Ah, don't worry about it," he waived him off guiltily. _Somehow I've got to get to Kamijou before Nowaki. _"Have you contacted Kamijou-san yet," he asked taking great pains to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"I'm going to stop by his house this evening after he gets off work." Folding the paper neatly, Nowaki turned his attention to the breakfast he'd just been served. "Why do you want to know," he asked apprehensively.

"Nowaki," he began hesitantly. "Contrary to what you've been led to believe, everything I've done, questionable as it may be, has been for your good. I want you to be happy."

"Then leave Hiro-san and me alone!"

"Alright already, I get it," he exclaimed holding his hands up defensively. "You have my word. I'll leave Kamijou Hiroki alone," Ichirou replied barely acknowledging the maid as she set his breakfast before him. "So… you're not going to give him a call this morning?"

"Hiro-san is already on the subway by this time of the morning," Nowaki responded clearly relieved. "He wouldn't answer my call even if he did manage to hear it ringing over the noise of the crowd." Blushing slightly he continued, "He hates it when I call him like that."

"I see…" Struggling to hide his turmoil, Ichirou attempted to eat his breakfast. _Someone up there must like me, _Ichirou thought as he began to formulate a plan. _All I have to do now is find Kamijou-san and set things right. _

* * *

Swallowing the large lump in his throat, Hiro silently followed his mother through the hospital. He'd fled to his hometown in an attempt to escape his doomed relationship only to find that his father had come down with pneumonia and had already been hospitalized for three weeks. Hiro shuddered as he glanced once again at his mother. Although she was still one of the most beautiful women Hiro had ever known, the dark circles under her eyes and the worry lines that had begun to mar her forehead gave her an uncharacteristically careworn appearance.

Silently they entered his father's room. Hiro forcefully bit his lip to keep from gasping out loud. His father, who had seemed so robust when they'd last parted, now looked so frail he was afraid to take his hand. "Mother, why didn't you call me right away when father was hospitalized?"

"Your father wouldn't allow it," she answered her emotion-filled voice belying the calm façade she was attempting to maintain. "He has always been so proud of the man that you have become. He knew, if you found out… about his illness, you would drop everything and come home."

Something about her mannerisms made Hiro's stomach twist into knots. "What's going on?" She turned away from him quickly feigning interest in something outside the window. "Mother…" he spun her around and was shocked to see tears streaming down her cheeks. "What's wrong," he insisted gripping her shoulders to keep her from turning away again. "Please tell me what's going on!"

"We're…being forced to sell you father's bookstore!" Her knees gave way suddenly forcing Hiro to catch her up in his arms. Sobbing weakly into his shirt, she struggled to continue. "We were already struggling to get by even before your father got sick. The economy has been so bad… and your father had been working so hard to make ends meet… his body finally gave out on him. Now we're so far in debt… even if we sell the bookstore, it probably still won't be enough to pay off all of our bills."

"Why did you keep this a secret from me," Hiro demanded pulling away from her to look into her eyes.

"It was all your father's doing," she answered averting her eyes from his intense gaze. "He didn't want to burden you with his problems."

Hiro's temper rose within him and he just barely managed to keep it contained. "You wait here. I'll be back in a moment."

She clutched his arm desperately. "What are you planning to do?"

"I'm going to do what should have been done a long time ago. I'm quitting my job so I can take over the bookstore." A wave of tranquility descended upon Hiro as soon as the words left his mouth. _This is my answer, _he realized instinctively.

"No! You can't do that," she exclaimed trying in vain to pull him back into the room. "That's exactly what your father was trying to avoid. He was so proud of you when you became K Publishing's executive editor. If you do this, it will break his heart!"

"Mother," he said softly wiping the tears from her cheeks. "I've wanted to change careers for a long time now." Even though he hadn't actually thought about it, the strange serenity that continued to fill his entire being helped him to finally realize the truth – he was never cut out to be an editor. "I've been thinking about becoming a novelist." This wasn't entirely true either, but Hiro simply couldn't keep this sudden epiphany silent. _How many times have I thought 'I could write better than this' as I read through some second-rate novelist's transcript._ "If I take over the family business, I'll be able to try my hand at writing and take care of the both of you at the same time."

"But are you sure you want to do this," she protested half-heartedly. The thought of letting her son help her shoulder the burden she'd been enduring was already beginning to brighten her countenance. "You must have many friends. Won't it be difficult to leave them all behind?"

"Don't worry about it," Hiro answered turning quickly to hide the momentary pang as Nowaki's face flashed before his eyes. _Why should I waste my time with him? Hasn't he already gone off and found himself another lover to play with?_ Struggling against the sudden emptiness in his heart, Hiro reluctantly replied."There's no one special for me to leave behind."

* * *

Inoue walked impassively back into his office. _I can't believe Kamijou-senpai quit!_ Setting the empty box he'd retrieved from the storeroom on his desk, he began to pack up his belongings. _I'm the executive editor now,_ he marveled still in shock at the recent turn of events. _And I'm even getting Kamijou-senpai's old office. _

Even though the extra pay was more than welcome, Inoue still hated the change. _Why did you have to go so far away, senpai? _Suddenly, he came across Hiro's cell phone and a fresh wave of guilt made his stomach twist into knots. _I… forgot I still had this._ Hiro had accidently left it on his desk, and Inoue had never bothered to return it. Fully immersed once again in the shame of his crime, he sat down, flipped it open, and turned it on. There were thirty-five missed calls, and twenty-three unopened messages. _I bet every one of them is from that heartless bastard!_

"Damn you," he silently cursed his tall, handsome rival. "Damn you to hell for driving my senpai away from me!" In his rage Inoue easily snapped the phone in half. _So help me I'll make you pay for this,_ he vowed with renewed vengeance within his heart.

* * *

Ichirou arose early in defeat after spending the entire night tossing and turning. He'd managed to keep Nowaki too occupied last night to go to Hiro's apartment by arranging for him to meet with a business colleague who was interested in upgrading his company's software. Fortunately their meeting had taken so long it was well past eleven o'clock by the time it ended. Nowaki had discreetly tried to phone Hiro several times, but it was apparent by the disappointment in his eyes that his attempts were all in vain. Even though he knew it would be futile, Ichirou volunteered to drive Nowaki to Hiro's apartment afterward, just in case Hiro was still awake. But of course his apartment was dark and Nowaki had returned home last night looking so dejected it made Ichirou's heart ache.

_What am I going to do, _Ichirou lamented as he turned on the television and hastily got dressed, _especially since Hiro has actually abandoned him. _Moments before the meeting last night, Junko had informed Ichirou that Hiro had resigned from K Publishing. _He's left Nowaki and it's obvious he's not coming back. _Frantically, he tried to think something – anything that would logically explain Kamijou's sudden disappearance without making it look like he'd been the cause. _Damn it! Technically it is my fault, but Nowaki is never going to believe it was just a coincidence. What am I going to do? _

A sudden announcement caught Ichirou's attention pulling him away from his dilemma. He felt his stomach drop when he saw the horrifying images displayed upon the screen. Someone had set off a bomb on one of the busiest subway trains in the city. Footage of the carnage assaulted Ichirou's senses at once making him relive the awful things he'd witnessed when he lived in New York. _Not again…Dear God, what makes people do such horrible things? _

"Ichirou-san," Nowaki called tentatively after knocking on his door several times. "Are you alright?"

"Y…yes, I'm fine," he answered finally letting out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding.

"Don't tell me you're fine," Nowaki exclaimed rushing next to him. "You're as white as a…" He too became instantly riveted to the awful events unfolding on Ichirou's television. "What's going on?"

"Someone set off a bomb on the A-train," Ichirou answered woodenly his stomach churning at the sight of rescuers pulling the body of a battered, young girl from the wreckage.

"D…did you say the A-train," he asked fighting the panic that had wrapped itself tightly around his heart. When Ichirou nodded in affirmation, Nowaki felt as if he'd been kicked in the stomach. "That's the train Hiro-san takes to work!" Rising quickly he added, "I tried to call him but he'd already left. H…he must have been on it when…" Jumping up suddenly, Nowaki sprinted from the room.

"Nowaki wait!" Ichirou tore off after him. Catching his arm just as he was about to burst into the garage, Ichirou's stomach clenched at the panic that gripped Nowaki's usually calm face. "You can't just go down there. By now I'm sure the police have the area cordoned off. It will be impossible for you to get in there."

"Hiro's down there somewhere," Nowaki screamed. "He may be hurt! He may even be…" _Dead!_ Suppressing the cry of anguish that threatened to burst forth at that awful thought, he pushed Ichirou away and continued into the garage.

"At least let me drive you," Ichirou said taking the keys from his shaking hand. "You can't drive very well under normal circumstances. There's no way I'm letting you drive in this condition." Just as he was about to drive away, Ichirou saw Josh bolt out of the door. He waved contritely at his obviously irritated body guard and quickly sped away.

Driving faster than he knew he should, Ichirou chanced a glance at Nowaki. He'd managed to calm down a little, but his face still bore traces of the agony that was undoubtedly raging inside. _God, now what am I going to do? If I tell him the truth, he'll still hate me, but if I don't tell him the truth… _he bemoaned silently cursing his selfishness.

As he neared the scene of the disaster, all of his regrets and self admonitions had to be ceased in order for him to concentrate on maneuvering his vehicle unscathed through the chaos. Several blocks before reaching their destination, they became trapped in a veritable quagmire of a traffic jam.

"I don't think we're going to be able to get any closer than this," Ichirou regretfully admitted.

"Take me to the closest hospital," Nowaki demanded his voice shaking slightly from the strain of withholding his anxiety. "He might have already been taken there."

"Even if you were able to get in there, which at this point is probably impossible," Ichirou reasoned cautiously. "And even if by some miracle you happened to go to the hospital he'd been taken to, it will be impossible for you to see him." Noting the frustration that was threatening to burst forth from Nowaki's already frayed nerves, he continued. "You know that unless you're an immediate family member, they'll never allow you to see him, even if you somehow managed to find him amongst the deluge of casualties they must surely be getting."

"Damn it! I have to do something," Nowaki shouted the precarious hold he'd had on his emotions was obviously beginning to crumble.

Ichirou was hit with a sudden inspiration. "Let's go to K-Publishing. Maybe they've heard from him."

"That's a good idea," Nowaki agreed heartily. "Please, take me there now!"_Hiro-san, I need to see you! Please be there…please be safe, _he repeated over and over to himself in a desperate, silent mantra.

Turning away from Nowaki's grateful eyes, Ichirou's heart was inundated with guilt. _Don't look at me with those eyes, _he thought miserably. The plan he'd just formulated was as perfect as it was despicable. _I'll just let someone at K-Publishing tell him that Hiro resigned and is moving away. That will get me off the hook since Nowaki knows I've not had the opportunity to contact him, and it will also ease his suffering._ Another thought crossed Ichirou's mind; _but what will happen to Nowaki when he learns that the person he loves so much doesn't really love him?_

"That's it," Nowaki exclaimed. "That's K Publishing!"

Ichirou pulled up to the building. "I'll be waiting for you in the T Avenue parking garage," Ichirou called after Nowaki as he ran with optimistic determination toward K-Publishing's main entrance. _I don't want to see you get hurt, but I guess I can't shield you from this forever. _

Bursting onto the floor that contained the executive offices of K Publishing, Nowaki was disheartened to see a mere handful of employees running about in the same manner of chaos he'd witnessed on the ground floor. Tentatively he approached the secretary. Looking at him apologetically, she shrugged her shoulders and pointed to her phone. Every one of the outside lines were lit up and angrily flashing at her like demented Christmas lights while the phone continued to ring nonstop. He stood there with forced patience listening to her repeat over and over again "I'm sorry so-and-so hasn't reported in yet. Please try back at a later time." After standing there for what seemed like an eternity, Nowaki flopped into a chair, hung his head and clung desperately to his last tiny thread of hope.

* * *

Inoue flew from office to office trying to make sense of the pandemonium that threatened to overwhelm him. _Damn you Senpai! Why did you have to leave so suddenly, _he grumbled to himself in exasperation. _But if you hadn't left, you would have probably been on the train when… _Inoue shuddered at the thought of his beloved senpai's broken and bloodied body. Although he had a pretty good idea his senpai's absence was due to that person, the fact that it had probably saved his senpai's life did nothing to lesson Inoue's fury. Turning the corner, he headed over to the secretary to find out if anyone else had arrived. _Kamijou-senpai, if you'd only fallen in love with me. I would have cherished you always. I never would have hurt you like…_

Inoue stopped short and glared at Nowaki who was slumped dejectedly in the waiting area. _How dare he show his face here when he's…probably the cause…of Kamijou-senpai's departure. _Slipping silently around the corner, Inoue considered the implication of Nowaki's presence. _Could it be he doesn't know that Kamijou-senpai is already gone? _Cautiously he peered around the corner. Nowaki was still sitting there in utter misery. A malicious smile danced across Inoue's face. _He doesn't know that Kamijou-senpai resigned yesterday! He must have thought that senpai was on the train! He's here to find out whether or not senpai survived the bombing! This is just too good to be true! _

Once again conjuring up the image of Hiro's broken body; Inoue fixed a sorrowful expression on his face and approached Nowaki. "May I help you?"

"Yes, please," Nowaki exclaimed rising quickly. "Kamijou Hiroki… has he reported in yet?"

"No, we haven't heard from senpai," Inoue lied biting his tongue to maintain his masquerade. "As you can see, we're missing several of our employees at the moment. It's such a tragedy!"

"He hasn't even called in yet," Nowaki asked still clinging desperately to his ever dwindling thread of hope.

"Unfortunately no, why don't you leave me your name and number? That way I can contact you if…" The anguish that filled Nowaki's face sent exquisite tingles of satisfaction down Inoue's spine. "Um, I mean when he reports in."

"Yes, of course," Nowaki answered pulling a business card out of his wallet and handing it to him with shaking hands. "Thank you…"

"Inoue," he replied taking the card from him.

"Thank you, Inoue-san, and I hope the rest of your employees are safe as well," Nowaki said sincerely as he turned to walk away.

Nowaki's heartfelt expression almost made him feel guilty, but as soon as his despondent face disappeared behind the elevator door, Inoue allowed his wicked smile to return. _I'll give you a day or two to hope, and then I'm going to crush your heart altogether! Once I've taken my revenge on you, nothing will stop me from finally making Kamijou-senpai mine!_


	9. Similar Pain, Separate Lives

"I'm home," Ichirou called out as he made his way into the living room. Although it seemed as though the house was deserted, he knew Nowaki was somewhere nearby. After being unable to learn the fate of his lover yesterday, he'd been too distraught to go to work. Once again Ichirou was filled with self condemnation for withholding the truth from Nowaki. There had been a time yesterday when he could have righted this wrong, but it had irrevocably passed the moment he'd suggested that Nowaki go to K-Publishing. _Damn that Inoue! _The memory of Nowaki's crushed countenance as he returned to the car after talking to Inoue made Ichirou's stomach twist into knots. _It wasn't supposed to happen that way. _Ichirou's plan had been to let someone at K-Publishing tell Nowaki the truth, but instead Inoue had led Nowaki to believe that something might have happened to Hiro.

He found Nowaki sitting on the couch staring at the phone as if he could will it to ring. The open phone book indicated that he'd already tried calling various hospitals. Despair radiated off his face as noticeably as heat waves ripple from the desert's surface. _Just what kind of game are you playing Inoue, _Ichirou thought angrily. _I swear if you continue to manipulate Nowaki like this… _The threat evaporated instantly as a cold reality washed over Ichirou. _I'm such a hypocrite! I was the one that started this. If I had been honest with Nowaki from the beginning, this never would have happened. _He looked at Nowaki, who was too wrapped up in his own personal hell to notice him, and felt utterly ashamed. _What am I going to do? If I tell him the truth, he'll never forgive me, but if I don't tell him the truth…_

The phone rang causing both men to jump simultaneously. Nearly moving faster than Ichirou's eyes could follow, Nowaki snatched up the phone. "Hello…Inoue-san! Thank God you've finally called! How is Hiro-san?"

["Kamijou-senpai is dead."]

Nowaki froze in stunned silence. "N..no… … NO!... … I… … I… can't believe it!" he exclaimed in anguish. "It h…has to be a mistake!"

["Unfortunately it is true." Inoue paused as if he were struggling to gain control of his emotions. "Tanaka-senpai and I had to go down and identify his body at the morgue."]

All of the color drained instantly from Nowaki's face. "Wh…where is h…his body now?"

["It's probably en route to senpai's hometown. His parents requested it be sent there so they can lay him to rest in their family plot"]

"Oh… I see,"_ I won't even get the chance to say good bye! _"…well, thank you for all of your help Inoue-san." Tears were already streaming down Nowaki's face as placed the phone back on the coffee table.

"Nowaki ," Ichirou whispered tentatively touching his shoulder. Spinning around in surprise, Nowaki's inconsolable eyes bore into Ichirou's soul making it impossible for him to finish what he so desperately had wanted to say.

"H… Hiro-san is dead," Nowaki stuttered struggling against his choking sobs.

"I know… I heard you talking to Inoue-san." Ichirou turned away unable to look at the intense pain in his eyes. _What should I do? _He couldn't bear to be in the same room with Nowaki any longer. "I'll go find Midori-chan and have her make us some tea," he suggested hastily retreating. _Damn that Inoue! Nowaki's suffering is all his fault – no that's not entirely true. I'm just as much to blame as he is… probably more so. Oh god, I'm so despicable! _

He found Midori in his bedroom just as she had finished making his bed. "Would you make us some tea, Midori-chan?"

"Yes of course, Kobayashi-sama," she replied bowing respectfully. "I'll prepare it right away."

Stepping aside to let Midori pass, Josh quietly entered Ichirou's room. He hated to see his beloved employer in so much pain. "Kobayashi-san…"

"Oh God Josh, I've been such a fool!"Ichirou began to pace nervously around the room. "This is one hell of a hole I've buried myself in! What am I going to do?"

"I don't know," Josh regretfully admitted. He had a sudden, uncontrollable urge to wrap Ichirou in a comforting embrace.

"Damn that Inoue," Ichirou ranted impotently. _Why am I wasting my time trying to pin the blame on someone? This isn't going to get me anywhere._ Ichirou carefully considered the events of the past several days. What had actually started this whole fiasco was Kamijou's sudden departure. _He's supposed to be Nowaki's lover, and yet he left without saying a word._ Ichirou stopped pacing suddenly as a cold chill raced down his spine. "It was that damn phone call! Goddamn it! If I'd only explained who I was…"

"You don't even know if that call was from Kamijou-san," Josh reasoned tentatively wrapping his trembling arms around Ichirou. "Please don't blame yourself Kobayashi-san."

"I can't be absolved from this, and you know it." Ichirou tensed when he felt Josh's awkward embrace, but he couldn't tear himself away from the comfort of his arms. "I can't stand to see Nowaki suffering like this, but maybe it's for the best. After all, Kamijou-san abandoned him. If he truly loved Nowaki, he wouldn't have given up on him so easily."

"Not if he truly loved him," he whispered huskily in Ichirou's ear.

Despite the remorse that weighed mercilessly upon his soul, an unexpected surge of heat began to expand from Ichirou's core. _Damn it, this is wrong!_

"Perhaps it would be better for Nowaki to make a clean break from Kamijou," Ichirou said reluctantly pulling away from Josh's comforting warmth. "Then maybe he can find himself a good woman and have a respectable relationship."

"Yes," Josh agreed hastily trying to hide his disappointment and pain. "That would be more practical."

* * *

Falling to his knees, Nowaki allowed the tears to flow in long rivulets down his face. He felt as if his heart had been ripped from his body, and he wished once again that he'd been on that train with Hiro. _Why did this have to happen to Hiro-san? Why now, when we were just about to start our lives together? _All of the plans that he'd made and the dreams that he'd imagined began to crumble before his eyes.

There was so much pain – too much pain. It overflowed his soul and poured out through his bitter tears. Nowaki had feared death as a youth, but now he welcomed it wholeheartedly. Death had taken his Hiro-san away. Only in death could the two of them be united forever. _Hiro-san, why did you leave me?_ He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, but when he opened his mouth he couldn't get enough breath to produce any sound. _I want to die! Just let me die so I can be with Hiro-san!_

_**"You're going to get yourself killed driving like that!" **_

Nowaki winced in agony as the echo of his dead lover's voice drifted through his grief-stricken mind. Although it had happened less than two months ago, it seemed like an eternity had passed since that fateful morning. "Does that mean you care about me," he whispered tearfully echoing the question he'd asked his adorable soon-to-be lover.

"_**Of course I care about you, you idiot!**_

"Hiro-san," Nowaki moaned softly in despair. Taking a deep breath he looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. Although he longed to join his lover in death, he knew in his heart that would be the last thing Hiro would have wanted. _Somehow I have to find the will to keep living._ That thought reverberated though Nowaki's soul as he stared at the intricate colors woven into the fine Oriental rug upon which he'd been sitting. Tears spilled haphazardly down his cheeks, the clock on the mantle continued to tick, a fly buzzed somewhere nearby, but Nowaki deeply ensnared within his grievous memories was oblivious to it all.

Ichirou and Josh walked quietly back into the living room and sat on the floor next to the coffee table across from Nowaki. It looked as though his tears had just about been exhausted, but that was of little comfort to Ichirou. The empty, resigned look that remained on Nowaki's face left a hardened pit at the center of his stomach. It almost made him tell Nowaki the truth, _but really what good would that do,_ Ichirou questioned justifying his lack of action – his cowardice. _If I tell him the truth about Hiro-san, he'll leave and probably never forgive me. Then he'll rush off only to find that Hiro-san had just been playing with him all along. Once that happens, Nowaki would be left completely alone! _Looking once again into Nowaki's unresponsive eyes, his resolve was instantly solidified. _I can't ever allow that to happen! _

"Here's your tea, Kobayashi-sama," Midori announced as she set the tray of steaming tea cups on the coffee table.

"That will be all Midori-chan," Ichirou replied distractedly as he gingerly placed a hot cup in Nowaki's hands. He watched with increasing anxiety as Nowaki mechanically took a large swallow of the boiling hot tea.

It blistered his lips and seared the back of his throat, but Nowaki welcomed the pain because it pushed away, if only for a moment, the overwhelming sense of lassitude that was threatening to engulf his very soul. _I'll keep on living Hiro-san,_ he vowed as he cherished the pain in his quickly deadening heart. _Even though I'll be like the walking dead, I'll keep on living and I'll forever hold on to my love for you. When it comes time for me to die, I'll welcome it gladly because I know we'll be united again. I promise Hiro-san, my soul will not rest until it has found you._

* * *

Hiro maneuvered around the boxes that littered his new apartment. Although he'd been living there for nearly two weeks, he just didn't have the motivation to unpack anything. _It wasn't supposed to be like this, _he groaned once again battling against the loneliness that threatened to crush his heart. In his mind's eye he imagined what would have happened – if Nowaki hadn't thrown him aside.

_We probably would have ended up living together, _he sighed wearily side-stepping through the remnants of his old life as he headed toward the kitchen. _And we would definitely be eating better than this. _Pulling an instant cup of ramen out of his cupboard, Hiro remembered all of the meals Nowaki had prepared for him. Although he knew his mother would be more than happy to cook for him again, it just wouldn't be the same.

_I miss you Nowaki. _Suddenly he didn't feel hungry anymore. He placed the unwanted cup of ramen back in the cupboard and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator instead.

Leaving behind his cluttered living room, Hiro stepped onto his tiny balcony and watched the sun set over the ocean. _How many times had I told Nowaki about this,_ he wondered regretfully. The autumn breeze cut through his sweater chilling him to the bone, but still he remained transfixed by the brilliant colors that exploded across the horizon.

_Tomorrow is the first of November. _Wincing at the sharp pain that tore through his heart, he remembered the plans that they'd made to come here during the Christmas holiday.

"Ah Nowaki, I really wanted you to see this,"he whispered wistfully. A lone tear slipped half way down his cheek before the wind stopped it in its tracks. Unwillingly, a familiar reverie came into focus. It was one of his left-over daydreams from happier times. In his mind's eye he could see the two of them standing alone on the beach watching the sun set. Nowaki with his usual inattention of the time or place would be holding him close. Then as the last rays of the sun dipped beneath the ocean he would gently pull Hiro's chin up to plant a tender, lingering kiss on his lips.

Hiro took a large swig of his beer and tried desperately to banish those images, but his efforts were all in vain. There was simply no way he could ever forget about Nowaki – not after he'd fallen so deeply in love. No one, not even Daisuke, had ever awakened Hiro's true passion the way Nowaki had. The tears were flowing freely now and not even the bitter autumn wind, which had become even stronger since the sun had set, could keep them from dripping ceaselessly off Hiro's chin. _I want you, Nowaki! I want to feel your arms around me. I want you to kiss me. I… don't care anymore that you've found someone else! I just want you to hold me and never let me go!_

Pain and indignation merged at once in the pit of Hiro's stomach. _What in the hell am I thinking,_ he inwardly berated himself. _Damn it! When did I become so weak? What the hell has happened to me? _He guzzled down the rest of his beer and stomped back into his kitchen to retrieve another. _I've got to get a hold of myself. This just isn't like me!_ He popped the can open and gulped down several large mouthfuls.

_Damn, I knew that guy would be trouble, but did I pay any attention to my intuition? No, of course I didn't! _He paced with surprising finesse through the maze of boxes. _To hell with love! No one is ever going to truly fall in love with me! So…to hell with it all!_ He drained what was left of his beer in several large swallows as the loneliness crashed down upon him once again.

_I'm so tired of getting hurt. From now on, I'm going to do the playing, and this time for sure I won't let anyone get anywhere near my heart, _Hiro resolved as he stubbornly tried to push his love for Nowaki aside.

For just a moment, he thought about going to the Lotus Blossom. It had been his gay bar of choice when he'd been a college student, but the inclination instantly dissolved under a fresh wave of pain. _I can't… not yet… it's just too soon after…_ Tears once again threatened to spill over his chapped cheeks.

Listlessly, he wandered into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face. _Someday this pain will subside, _he whispered to his haggard reflection. _I just have to be strong. Somehow I'll manage to get over Nowaki, just like I managed to get over Daisuke. _His reflection stared back at him skeptically because in his heart he knew the truth – that Nowaki had been the reason he'd finally let go of Daisuke. Judging from his previous experience, more than likely it would take falling in love with another man to force his heart to give up on Nowaki as well.

_I guess I'm screwed, _Hiro thought sullenly as he fought against the emptiness that threatened to envelope him. _Because my heart still belongs to Nowaki, and I don't ever want that to change._

* * *

Inoue approached the modest, middle class home in which his beloved Kamijou-senpai had been raised. The call he'd received a few days earlier from Hiro's mother had definitely been a pleasant surprise. For the past several weeks he'd been wracking his brain trying to come up with a convincing enough excuse to get back into his senpai's life. Then out of the blue, he got an invitation from Hiro's mother to come and do what he could to cheer up her son.

It seems his mother, who of course knew nothing about Nowaki, was beside herself with worry. She's assumed that her son had begun to regret the decision he'd made, and had called K-Publishing in search of a friend who would be willing to come spend some time with him. Naturally, it had been Inoue who had come to the "rescue." Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he knocked on the door.

After waiting anxiously for several agonizing moments, the door finally opened to reveal one of the most beautiful older women Inoue had ever seen. _Now I know where Kamijou-senpai got his good looks, _he thought dazedly as he subconsciously began to compare their similarities. Her light brown hair which was the exact shade as her son's was fashioned into a short well styled bob. Vivid, dark brown eyes which were also the exact shade and shape as Hiro's, cheerfully gazed at him. _What I wouldn't give to see Kamijou-senpai look at me like this,_ he considered for one careless moment before he forcefully pushed that thought back into his sub consciousness. He was too close to getting what he wanted to blow it all now.

"Welcome to our home, Inoue-san," she said bowing respectfully as he walked through the door.

"Thank you for inviting me," he answered bowing politely in return.

"Hiroki is visiting with his father." She turned gracefully and led the way. He followed her through the hallway into their neat, tastefully decorated living room.

Both men sat stiffly wearing the same irritable expression. The older man's gaze was directed at nothing in particular. He had not yet recovered from the blow he'd received when he learned that his son, who'd always been the greatest source of his pride, had been forced to end his highly successful career in order to take care of him. And nothing galled him more than being stuck at home while his son was running HIS business.

Hiro, on the other hand was looking at Inoue directly in the eye warily scrutinizing him. It was blatantly evident which parent had given Hiro his rotten disposition.

"Hello Kamijou-san," Inoue said bowing respectfully to Hiro's father. "Kamijou-senpai," he added bowing toward Hiro.

"You can drop the senpai," Hiro replied trying to mask his frustration. He was still angry at his mother for inviting Inoue like this. It was hard enough to leave his past behind, and now Inoue was nothing more than an irritable reminder of all that he'd lost.

Out of the corner of his eye, Inoue saw the old man flinch guiltily for a split second before his expression melded defensively back into its irritable mask.

"Hiroki," his mother interrupted nervously eying her husband. "Why don't you take Inoue-san to the guest bedroom?"

Hiro glared at Inoue suspiciously. The thought of him staying here in his parent's home made him decidedly uncomfortable, but there was no way in hell he would ever let Inoue stay with him. "Come on," he motioned reluctantly toward the hallway.

He could feel Inoue's eyes boring into his back as they walked in awkward silence through the house. Opening the door to what had once been his bedroom, Hiro announced, "This is it." He turned abruptly in retreat, but Inoue caught his arm before he'd been able to cross the threshold.

"Kamijou-sen..." He stopped short at the murderous look on Hiro's face. "Please Kamijou-san; I really need to talk to you."

"You'll have plenty of time to talk to me during dinner," he replied yanking his arm free. Once again he started to walk away.

"Kamijou-san...you're the only friend I have left."

Hiro whirled around suddenly. "What kind of idiot do you take me for?"

"Is everything alright," his mother called from the living room timidly.

"Everything is fine mother," Hiro answered struggling to keep the anger out of his voice as he roughly shoved Inoue into the bedroom. He shut the door and after taking a few minutes to calm his temper, he turned to face Inoue. "What did you mean when you said I was the only friend you have left? You have plenty of friends at the office."

"I used to have friends at the office, but that was before the subway bombing." Inoue slowly placed his suitcase on the bed and started to unpack it as if he needed the diversion to continue. "Takei, and Yamamoto were killed instantly, and Suzuki died two days later."

Hiro sat woodenly on the edge of the bed. He'd heard about the bombing of course, but he'd purposely avoided every story that had come out about it. He hadn't wanted to know how many of his acquaintances and friends had died, while he by an odd twist of fate had been spared. None of that seemed to matter now, and the fact that he'd buried his head in the sand rather than face reality made him sick with remorse. "How many... did we lose from the office?"

"Including Takei, Yamamoto, and Suzuki... sixteen," he said as he fastened the now empty suitcase and placed it on the floor at the foot of the bed. Inoue sat next to Hiro and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. "You might have been the seventeenth casualty had you been there. I'm grateful that wasn't the case."

Flinching away from Inoue's touch as if he'd been burned, Hiro stood abruptly. "Don't even think about starting that 'I'm in love with you' bullshit! If that's what you came here for, you might as well pack up and go home!"

"You've got me all wrong," he implored rising off the bed as well. "I've come here only with the intention of being your friend. Yes, I still love you. I won't lie to you about that, but after losing so many friends and acquaintances... it made me realize just how fragile life is." He walked over to the window as if he were struggling to keep his emotions in check. After several seconds, he turned back and looked at Hiro so forlornly it instantly made a lump form in his throat.

"I'll do anything; even deny my true feelings, just to be able to stay by your side. Kamijou-san," he pleaded desperately, "just give me a chance. I swear I only want your friendship. I've lost all my other friends. I don't want to lose you too!"

Squirming contritely in his intense gaze, Hiro attempted to swallow the fist-sized lump in his throat. He still felt sickened about the weeks he'd spent feeling sorry for himself, while the families of his deceased friends and acquaintances were morning for their loved ones. Unable to look into Inoue's eyes any longer, he walked toward the door and paused with his hand on the doorknob. _I've got to put Nowaki behind me and focus on what is really important, _he chastised himself. _Nowaki obviously doesn't love me; otherwise he would have tried to find me by now. Somehow, I've got to get on with my life. _

"You've got one chance," Hiro warned as he opened the door. He turned and glared threateningly back at Inoue. "If you step out of line at all - even if it's only a fraction, I'll drop you so fast; it'll make you head spin. And no one...not even my mother will convince me to take you back." With that, Hiro returned to his parents leaving Inoue alone to contemplate his ultimatum.

As soon as Inoue was sure that Hiro had actually withdrawn, he grinned in satisfaction like the proverbial cat that swallowed the canary. No doubt about it, Hiro had been influenced by his sad little tale. Oh, it had been true alright. Sixteen people had died in the subway bombing, but Takei, Yamamoto, and Suzuki had never been anything more than mere acquaintances. In fact, he'd never shed a tear, nor had he particularly missed any of the people that had perished on that fateful day. The only emotion he'd felt at the time was relief that his ex-senpai hadn't been killed with them.

For now, Inoue had been allowed once more to be a part of his ex-senpai's world, and that was all that truly mattered. _Kamijou-san's defenses seem to be much stronger than they were before,_ he contemplated as he took his bag of toiletries into the adjoining bathroom to freshen himself up for dinner. _Kusama must have really hurt you this time, but no matter how long it takes, I will help you get over him. _Looking into the mirror, he continued. _I will shower you with so much love; you will never look at another man again._

* * *

Nowaki pushed his partially eaten dinner away and plastered a half-hearted smile on his face. "I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."

"Are you feeling alright," Ichirou asked as his worried expression deepened the lines that had begun to mar his handsome face.

Of course both men knew what was amiss, but they both avoided it at all costs. The uncomfortable issue that hovered like an elephant in the room involved one man in particular - Kamijou Hiroki. Nowaki still couldn't speak his deceased lover's name aloud for fear that he would break down, and Ichirou couldn't speak of him without becoming overwhelmed with guilt and shame. So they both maneuvered tentatively around their ever growing pachyderm and suffocated in the dense, awkward atmosphere of their once happy home.

"I'm fine," he replied putting his hands up defensively at the skeptical look on Ichirou's face. "Honestly, I'm not physically sick." _Could a broken heart be considered a physical ailment? _Pushing that thought out of his head, Nowaki continued. "But you don't look so good. Shouldn't you have gone back to America several weeks ago?"

"There were more things to take care of here than I'd originally planned," he lied smoothly.

"Don't take me for a fool, Ichirou-san. I heard you talking to your secretary this morning. It will be bad for you if you stay here any longer."

"How can I leave you? It's only been a few weeks since..." The color instantly draining from Nowaki's face made Ichirou wince visibly. "I don't care what happens - everything can go to hell as far as I'm concerned!" _It would serve me right if it did!_

"You don't mean that," Nowaki admonished shakily still struggling to gain control of the pain that gripped his empty heart. "I'll be alright. Besides, I won't be alone." Motioning to the maid who was in the process of clearing the table, "Midori-chan will be here with me." Her face flushed a deep crimson as she hastily retreated with the dishes.

"You need more companionship than a maid can offer."

"Ichirou-san," Nowaki warned darkly. They'd been down this road before and he didn't want to go there again.

"Just listen to me for a moment," he strenuously implored. "Would it be so horrible to spend a few evenings in the company of a beautiful woman?" Nowaki tried to protest, but Ichirou refused to let him speak. "You have to face the fact that Hiro-san is gone." The sheer agony that flooded into Nowaki's face made him falter slightly, but since he'd already opened this can of worms, Ichirou figured he might as well continue. "Look, I'm not asking you to fall in love. I just want you to start living again."

Resting his head in his hands, Nowaki willed his misery to subside._ Ichirou-san's businesses overseas will surely suffer if he remains in Japan to be my nursemaid, _Nowaki mused. _And apparently the only way he will leave is if he's assured that someone else has taken his place. _Knowing that Ichirou would jeopardize nearly half of his business interests for him, made Nowaki sick with remorse. Ichirou was the only loved one he had left, so how could he possibly deny this one simple request. "Alright," he whispered in resignation. "I'll meet with her tomorrow night."


	10. Loneliness and Confusion

Nowaki sought out a quiet corner and watched the other couples enviously. He didn't feel much like celebrating the New Year. In fact he would have much rather stayed home, but his latest 'girlfriend,' Sachi had talked him into this party. Now he was stuck here watching everyone else happily bringing in the New Year while he remained imprisoned in his own private, miserable hell.

_I'm not really imprisoned; it's more like I'm an emotional recluse, _he pondered philosophically. _Every morning, I attach this fake smile to my face and do what I have to do to keep on living, because I know that's what my Hiro-san would want me to do. Even though I would much rather…_

"What are you doing over here," Sachi asked playfully as she handed Nowaki another glass of champagne.

"I just needed a bit of space," he replied quietly hoping that she would get the hint.

"Do you want to go somewhere… more private," she suggested as she staggered into his arms.

_That's not what I was hinting at! _Nowaki's mind began to race as he set her gently back on her feet. _I can't believe this is happening! Damn it! _He'd known all along that Sachi wanted much more than he was willing or able to give. The way she'd been cozying up to him all night made it blatantly obvious.

He knew it was time to end this charade, but he hadn't wanted to do it tonight of all nights. Although he hated to admit it, Sachi had become a welcome diversion to the crushing loneliness he'd felt since Hiro's death. She'd become such a good friend, but unfortunately friendship was not what was on her mind at the moment.

"I think you've had a bit too much to drink Sachi-chan," he said casually side-stepping her proposition. Carefully he removed the half consumed glass of champagne she was attempting to finish.

"Honestly, Nowaki-san, I'm not a child!" She suddenly grabbed his hand and began to pull him through the house. "C'mon, let's get out of here!"

"But what about the party," he protested as she led him through the back door and out onto the patio.

"We'll make our own party here," she turned abruptly and fell once more into his arms.

"Please Sachi-chan, let's go back to the party," Nowaki urged trying to gingerly remove her arms from around his neck. In the background he could hear the rest of the partygoers begin the countdown. "Listen to that! We're going to miss the countdown."

"I don't care," she declared and before he could prevent it, she kissed him.

A wave of nausea washed over Nowaki. She was too fragile, and much too soft. He longed for Hiro's taut body and the strong arms that would wrap themselves around his waist… Agony suddenly ripped through his heart. In a firm yet tender motion he pushed her away.

"Stop Sachi-chan," he pleaded. "I… I can't do this."

"Why," she demanded. "What's wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you," he began once again wishing he could postpone this. "You are a very beautiful, kind woman, and you've been such a good friend to me, but…"

"There's someone else. Isn't there?" Tears were beginning to form in her lovely eyes.

"Not anymore," Nowaki whispered struggling against the anguish that constantly tormented his soul. "My lover died a few months ago…" He looked into her eyes just moments before she slapped his face. Pain and betrayal radiated from her so forcefully it hit him much harder than her palm.

"You CREEP," she shrieked. "You've never once been serious about me!"

"I'm sorry Sachi-chan, I just couldn't…"

"Don't you dare feel sorry for me Kusama-san!" She turned on her heel and headed back into the apartment.

This had been much worse than he'd imagined. _Is this what I have to look forward to, _he wondered as he followed her through the apartment.

"Why are you following me," she spat irritably over her shoulder.

"I can't let you go home alone in your condition."

"What makes you think I'm going home," she turned on him confrontationally.

"But…" Nowaki implored, "as your date, I'm responsible for you…"

"Why do you have to be so damned nice?" Hiding her face in her hands, she began crying in earnest.

"I'm… sorry Sachi-chan," he whispered awkwardly. "I honestly never meant to hurt you."

"Please just leave me alone," she entreated through her trembling hands.

"But I have to…"

"Don't worry about me. I'll go home with Akiko." With that Sachi turned and ran into the bathroom.

For the first time, Nowaki realized that the tail end of their little drama had been witnessed by several partygoers. Hastily in embarrassment he bid everyone good night and headed out into the bitter cold. Despair threatened to overwhelm him. Sachi's friendship had been a breath of fresh air, but now it was gone and he could once again feel the bleak walls of depression closing in on him.

* * *

Hiro stepped into the arctic blast of air that whipped mercilessly off the ocean. Although the wind stung his face like thousands of tiny needles, he welcomed the silence and the fresh air. He was most assuredly beginning to regret letting Inoue talk him into coming to this club. It was much more boisterous than he felt like being on this miserable New Year's Eve.

"Kamijou-san, you forgot this," Inoue said playfully tossing Hiro his coat. "Did you want to go to another club?"

"I'm too old to be partying like this," Hiro complained as he slipped gratefully into his coat. "I'm going to go home."

"Awww c'mon Kamijou-san," he whined dramatically. "We're only a few minutes away from the countdown! Couldn't we at least go to the Lotus Blossom?"

"Just because I'm ready to call it a night, doesn't mean that you have to quit too. Besides, Mochizuki-kun will be sad if you leave," Hiro added sarcastically. With that he turned on his heel and headed for his apartment. _'I love you Kamijou-san' – like hell you love me! Flirting with another guy all night right in front of me!_

"Wait up Kamijou-san!"

"Like hell I'll wait up!" Hiro sighed in frustration when he sensed Inoue fall into step next to him. "Why don't you just go back to…" he made the mistake of looking into his companion's face. Inoue had just figured out why Hiro was suddenly so angry and was flashing him a large self-satisfied grin.

"You're jealous," he exclaimed with unbridled glee.

"I… that's ridiculous…"

Inoue slipped his arm around Hiro's waist. "You know you're the only one for me, Kamijou," he whispered tantalizingly into Hiro's ear.

"Back off you idiot," he shoved Inoue away in shock partially because he'd spoken his name so intimately, but mostly because he was right. Hiro had been jealous, but there was no way he would ever admit it to that smug bastard!

Shoving open the door to his apartment building, he sprinted toward the stairway.

"Come on, just admit it!" Inoue taunted as he chased Hiro up the stairs. "You were jealous because I was talking to Mochizuki!"

"I am not jealous," Hiro hissed over his shoulder as he retreated down the hallway toward his apartment door.

As he fumbled for his key, Inoue took advantage of his momentary distraction. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he spun Hiro around and kissed him passionately.

Hiro stiffened in shock and almost dropped his keys. Inoue's kiss sent shivers down his spine. _God, it feels good to be kissed like this again!_ And yet, something was missing – something important. Inoue's tongue pressed insistently against his lips. As they hesitantly parted, he forced his way in eager to assert his dominance. Although his body was readily responding to Inoue's advances, Hiro still couldn't shake the empty feeling deep within his heart.

_This isn't right! My heart isn't beating wildly in my chest the way it would if Nowaki was kissing me._ He shoved Inoue away and wiped his mouth in disgust. "I thought I told you never to do that!"

"Come off it Kamijou," Inoue whispered his sensuous voice once again sending shivers down Hiro's spine. "You were kissing me back!"

"Just leave me the hell alone," Hiro warned trying to sound as menacing as he could through his confusion. With shaking hands he opened his door slipped inside, and slammed it resoundingly in Inoue's face.

Inoue allowed a vainglorious smile to emerge. _That's right Kamijou; you can't deny that for one fleeting moment, you wanted me as much as I want you! Your resistance is crumbling, and I'm going to keep chipping away at it. Someday, I will make you mine!_


	11. Beyond All Hope

Looking into the beautiful eyes of his enchanting dinner companion, Nowaki felt the now familiar twinge of guilt. Aimi, his latest 'girlfriend,' was definitely one of the loveliest women he'd ever met. The many jealous glances he'd received since they'd arrived at this overpriced, four-star restaurant were certainly a testament to that fact. Although she was kind, sincere, and undoubtedly the type of woman who would make the perfect wife, Nowaki simply couldn't fall in love with her. In fact, he couldn't even bring himself to desire her. The love he saw shining in her exquisite, light brown eyes made his stomach twist into knots. He would probably end up breaking her heart tonight. After all, they'd been "dating" for the past two months, and he knew by the look in her eyes that she wanted to take their relationship to the next level.

If it weren't for Ichirou, he would have given up this farce a long time ago, but by playing these twisted little dating games, he'd been able to lull his overprotective older 'brother' into believing that he had recovered from Hiro's untimely death. The mere thought of his deceased lover brought a fresh spasm of pain through his heart. _How many years will I have to endure this emptiness before death finally releases me, _he wondered as he picked listlessly at his half-eaten dinner.

"What's wrong Nowaki-san," Aimi asked. Even her lilting, melodic voice was captivating.

"I guess I'm just not hungry tonight," he answered pushing his plate away in resignation.

"Honestly, you don't eat enough to keep a bird alive!" Emboldened by the wine, she continued. "What you need is someone to take care of you..." A delicate shade of pink crept into her eager, sincere face, "Someone like me."

"You're very beautiful," Nowaki began trying to be gentle. He paused long enough to let the hopeful gleam in her eyes fade slightly before he continued, "But I'm not able to return your feelings." He looked down to avoid the pain in her tearing eyes, "please understand... my lover died a year ago and I've not been able to get over the loss. It's not that you aren't lovely or kind. I just can't let go of my love for that person."

"I wish you had been honest with me from the start." Although her voice was unmistakably filled with disappointment, it was infused with dignity and strength.

Nowaki looked into her quiet, composed countenance with unabashed wonder. All of the others had either cried hysterically, or slapped his face in outrage. The fact that she was taking it so well made him feel even worse. "I'm sorry Aimi-chan..."

"Please don't apologize," she said placing her napkin on the table and standing gracefully. "Just take me home."

* * *

Nowaki walked woodenly through the door. "Midori-chan, would you please make me some tea," he called out trying desperately to keep from sounding as depressed as he felt.

"Yes, Kusama-san," she answered her voice filled with concern rather than its usual cheerful exuberance.

_Damn, I can't even fool her anymore,_ he thought as he trudged lifelessly into the living room. Not bothering to turn on the light, he flopped into his favorite chair and stared at the full moon that was just barely visible behind the decorative trees. His mind wandered back to that first fateful night with his beloved Hiro-san. The way it felt when he'd passed out helplessly into his arms, and the strange comforting sensation of Hiro's head resting on his shoulder during the taxi ride home. He chuckled humorlessly at the bitter-sweet memory of carrying him like a bridegroom on his wedding night into his bed room. He remembered vividly how hard it was to control his desire as he stripped Hiro's clothes off. Their bodies fit so perfectly together when he cuddled next to his inebriated guest and completely captivated by that beautiful face which was still so full of sorrow, he accidentally fell asleep. The dull pain that ceaselessly plagued his heart tore at his chest so violently it nearly took his breath away. _How can I possibly go on without you Hiro-san? _

Quiet footsteps pulled him gratefully from his painful reverie. Without warning, the room was suddenly flooded with light. "Midori-chan, what the hell…" Nowaki exclaimed as he leapt from the chair. "You know I prefer..." his voice trailed off when he realized who had turned on the lights."Ichirou-san...what are you doing here?"

"I arranged to have some time off so I could visit with my precious little brother."

The unmistakable distress that filled his face made Nowaki inwardly groan. "Well... this is a pleasant surprise," he said smiling weakly.

"Midori-chan told me that you'd gone on a date tonight." Looking purposely at his watch, Ichirou continued. "I expected you home much later than this."

_I can't let him know that I broke up with Aimi tonight,_ Nowaki realized as his mind churned furiously to come up with a reasonable explanation. He sensed Midori quietly enter the room.

"Here is your tea, Kusama-san."

"Thanks Midori-chan," he said genuinely grateful more for the distraction than for the tea. As she offered a cup of tea to Ichirou, Nowaki silently hoped that he would take the hint and drop the whole thing.

"Would you like me to run your bath, Kusama-san," Midori asked tentatively.

"Yes, thank you." As she left the room, Nowaki could tell by the look on Ichirou's face that their conversation was far from over.

"What happened with Aimi-chan tonight," Ichirou continued with the characteristic straightforwardness that made him such a successful businessman.

"We broke up..." he answered sighing heavily in defeat. "What does it matter?" Taking a large gulp of his tea and scalding his mouth in the process, Nowaki squirmed uncomfortably under Ichirou's intense gaze.

"I thought things were going well between the two of you."

_That makes two of you,_ Nowaki thought wryly. "I guess she got tired of me. I'm sorry Ichirou-san, but I'm really tired tonight. Could we finish this conversation tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course," Ichirou answered trying to hide his apprehension. As he watched Nowaki make his hasty retreat, a familiar wave of guilt slammed into him. It made his heart ache to look into Nowaki's lifeless eyes. He had always been the type of person who could easily bounce back from adversity. But this time, he simply wasn't bouncing back.

"I can't stand to see him suffering like this," Ichirou confessed to Josh as he entered the room.

"I know what you mean. In a way it reminds me of…" Josh paled and turned abruptly away. "…never mind!"

"Wait a minute! What were you about to say," Ichirou demanded grabbing Josh by the wrist.

Shuddering from Ichirou's touch, Josh avoided his employer's intense eyes. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything. I was out of line."

"Josh please, if you know of something I can do to help Nowaki, you have to tell me!"

"It's just a theory I have. I don't really know anything," he reasoned hoping Ichirou would just drop it and let him go.

"Josh," Ichirou pleaded grabbing the larger man by his shoulders. "Just tell me!"

"If what I have to say goes against your beliefs, would you still want to hear it?"

An uncomfortable weight settled in the pit of Ichirou's stomach, but he pushed his hesitations aside. "Yes, I still want to know."

Josh sighed in defeat. _You're not going to like this Kobayashi-san!_ "I was just thinking that Nowaki reminds me of the way Sato looked… before he passed away."

"That's ridiculous," Ichirou chuckled dismissively. "Sato had been injured in the same automobile accident that claimed the life of my father."

"You know as well as I that Sato's death wasn't the result of those injuries. Even the doctors were baffled by it."

"Are you honestly suggesting that Sato died of a broken heart," Ichirou asked incredulously.

For the first time during their conversation, Josh looked directly into Ichirou's eyes. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting!"

"You can't expect me to believe that," Ichirou exclaimed heatedly. Although he verbally disagreed with Josh's explanation, it was apparent by the look on his stricken face that a cold reality was beginning to seep into Ichirou's consciousness. "People lose their loved ones all the time, and still manage to keep on living."

Josh took a deep breath in hesitation. He knew this wouldn't be easy for Ichirou to hear. "Of course this doesn't happen to everyone, but when two people love each other as much as Sato loved your father, or… as much as Nowaki obviously loves Kamijou, they just can't seem to live without their… soul mate." Quickly throwing his hands up to silence Ichirou's argument, he continued. "It's easy for you to dismiss my words, but you have to believe what you see with your eyes! You know as well as I that Nowaki's health is in danger!"

Ichirou froze, every argument he'd been forming in his mind withered at the tip of his tongue. _Damn it, Josh is right! I thought Midori was exaggerating about Nowaki's condition, but now that I've seen him with my own eyes, I know she's been telling me the truth. _"So basically you're telling me that if I want to save Nowaki's life, I'll have to reunite him with Kamijou-san?"

"Yes," he replied with a sigh of relief. "And you'd better do it quickly. I don't like the look of resignation I saw in his eyes tonight."

Deep down, Ichirou had always known it would come to this. _No matter what happens, I have to fix this. _He looked down into his cup of tea, and wished once again that he'd never attempted to come between Nowaki and Hiro.

"I guess I'd better have Junko-chan make the necessary arrangements for our departure." Ichirou turned away from Josh in defeat. "When Nowaki learns what I've done, he'll never forgive me." He laughed humorlessly. "I deserve to be alone for all that I've done."

"As long as I'm alive, you will never be alone," Josh vowed passionately. He longed to wrap his arms around Ichirou, but instinctively he knew this wasn't the time. "I'll contact Junko-chan, why don't you try to get some rest?"

"I can't rest now. I… have to talk to Nowaki."

Ichirou walked through the house as if he was a death row inmate walking toward the electric chair. Although he knew he had to tell Nowaki the truth, the closer he got to Nowaki's door, the more hesitant he became. _Shit! What am I going to say? What possible excuse can I give for what I've done to him?_ All too quickly, he found himself at Nowaki's bedroom door.

"Nowaki, may I talk to you for a moment?"

"I really don't want to talk about Aimi-chan…" Nowaki called out wearily.

"It's not about Aimi-chan," Ichirou interrupted. _I… can't tell him about it now!_ "Can you take a few days off? I need to make a difficult business trip, and I'd like you to come with me." _If I can reunite him with Kamijou, maybe he'll one day be able to forgive me!_

Nowaki hesitated for several seconds. _Ichirou sounds so…_ he paused struggling to find the right word. _Unsure of himself, _he decided in utter shock. He had never known Ichirou to be insecure. It's not that he never made mistakes. He just usually made them with so much conviction; it made everyone wonder whether they'd actually been mistakes.

"Please Nowaki; this trip is very important to me."

"Uh… sure, I suppose I can take some time off," he hesitantly answered snapping abruptly back into the present. "After all, my business is pretty slow right now." In actuality, his heart just wasn't in it anymore. Ever since Hiro's death, he'd pretty much had lost interest in everything. "Where are we going?"

"We're going south… to K city." Ichirou clearly heard Nowaki's sharp intake of breath through his closed door. _Yes, my precious little brother, we're going to your 'dead' lover's hometown. _The knots in his stomach twisted even tighter. _This is it. There's no turning back now. _

* * *

"Oi Kamijou, you want another beer," Inoue asked over his shoulder as he made his way into Hiro's kitchen.

"Nah, I've had enough." _There's no way I'll ever let myself get that drunk again! _Memories of his first morning with Nowaki flooded painfully into Hiro's mind. _I do stupid things when I get drunk… and I end up getting hurt because of it. Damn it, _he berated himself embarrassed by his ever lingering weakness._ It's been a year since Nowaki left me. Why can't I just forget about him and move on with my life?_

"What's wrong with you?" Inoue flopped uncomfortably close to Hiro on the sofa. He took a huge gulp of his beer, set it down and looked intently into his miserable companion's eyes. "I know what you need." Wrapping his arms around Hiro's neck, Inoue pulled him close. "You need someone to comfort you." Not wanting to give Hiro the chance to turn him down, Inoue captured his lips with a searing kiss.

Hiro's eyes widened in surprise at his companion's audacity. _Shit! Don't tell me he's gonna start that again? _"Stop it!" He shoved Inoue away forcefully and jumped off the sofa. "Cut that out you friggin moron!" He walked over to the window and stared at the ocean waves brilliantly reflecting the full moon's light.

Inoue walked up behind him and enfolded him with a tender embrace. "Kamijou, why won't you give me a chance? What can I do to show you how much I love you?"

It felt good to be held again, but it wasn't the same. _These aren't Nowaki's arms. It's not his breath in my ear. It's not his body pressed against me. _"I thought I told you to cut it out!" Driving his elbow into Inoue's stomach, Hiro tried to distance himself once more.

"You're not going to push me away so easily this time," he declared as he forcibly grabbed Hiro by the wrist, slammed him up against the wall and kissed him fiercely.

Shocked by Inoue's uncharacteristic impudence, Hiro was momentarily unable to move, but he sprang instantly to life as soon as he felt Inoue's hand groping his ass. Shoving Inoue away he screamed, "Don't touch me you bastard!"

"Goddamn it," Inoue screamed walking away in frustration. "All of these months I've stayed faithfully by your side… and helped in every way that I could." Rounding back on Hiro he demanded, "Why… Kamijou, why can't you fall in love with me? Why must you cling so stubbornly to your feelings for… that person? What's so great about him anyway?"

"Leave him out of this," Hiro growled in warning.

"Why the fuck should I leave him out of this, and why the fuck are you still in love with him? He's the one that hurt you… he's the one that made you turn your back on a promising career and move back here!"

"Shut the hell up! You don't even know what you're talking about," Hiro exclaimed. But even though Nowaki wasn't the reason he'd abandoned his career, Hiro couldn't deny that it was the original reason he'd left.

"You know damn well that I'm right," Inoue ranted on undaunted. "That bastard did something that hurt you so badly; it made you turn your back on everything. And now, a year later, you're still holding on to your one-sided love while he's been dating every eligible bachelorette in town."

"How could you possibly know something like that," he countered apprehensively.

_What the hell, he's already pissed at me, _Inoue's beer addled brain reasoned. "I… followed you one night, and he… Kusama… your lover was waiting for you at your apartment."

"You son-of-a-bitch! How dare you…"

"Sure go ahead, tear into me for something that happened so long ago. Anything to distract you from the truth," Inoue exclaimed heatedly.

"Y… you're lying about Nowaki he…"

"No," Inoue interrupted with cold calculation. "I've seen him with several different women." He took out his cell phone and pressed several buttons. "This is the woman he's dating right now." Handing the phone to Hiro he added; "and according to all of the rumors, they're engaged and looking forward to an autumn wedding."

_So… he's decided to live a normal life. _Hiro visibly winced at the pain that ripped through his heart as he stared at the picture of Nowaki and an incredibly beautiful woman walking arm in arm out of a classy restaurant. _Of course he'd want a normal life with a wife and children. Compared to that, what could I possibly offer him?_

"Kamijou," Inoue took back his phone and once again embraced him tenderly. "Please forget about Kusama." He tilted Hiro's stunned, pain-filled face up and gingerly kissed his lips.

Closing his eyes, Hiro allowed the kiss to continue. _Nowaki really has left me behind._ Although the likelihood of it happening had increased everyday they'd been apart, Hiro still deep within his heart had held on to the hope that Nowaki would come back to him. As that hope faded into oblivion, he listlessly wrapped his arms around Inoue's waist. _Do whatever you want,_ he thought in defeat as he felt his heart grow numb, _nothing matters anymore._


	12. Regrets and Revelations

Hiro stared at the blank screen on his laptop in frustration. He'd reached the crucial point in the novel he'd been working on for months. "This is a rotten time to get writer's block," he grumbled angrily as he shut his laptop in resignation. "I should have known it would be useless to try to write anything today."

He walked over to the window and looked out over the ocean. The clear blue sky was dotted haphazardly with graceful whip cream clouds. It was an unquestionably perfect late summer day. That is it would have been a perfect day, if Inoue hadn't dropped that little bombshell on him last night. _I can't believe Nowaki is getting married. _Bitter tears spilled over Hiro's cheeks. "Goddamn it! Why did you tell me you love me, when you obviously were just playing around? I was such a fool to believe in you."

Hiro was crying in earnest now. All of the hope he'd held on to for so long had been crumbled to dust by a mere handful of words. In a way, he was grateful that Inoue had gone back to work. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing worse than breaking down like this in front of someone else. But now he would be alone until Friday night when Inoue would come back to spend the weekend with him. _Maybe I'll feel better by then… yeah, right! Who am I kidding?_

_God, this sucks!_ Although he knew now for certain it was impossible, Hiro still longed for Nowaki. He missed those strong arms and his long impassioned kisses. He missed Nowaki's intimate dinners, their long walks in the park, and he even missed watching stupid sci-fi movies with that oversized otaku.

_I love you! _Waves of regret washed over him nearly drowning him in misery. _Why… why couldn't I say it? Just three little words! If I'd only said those three little words, maybe he wouldn't have thrown me aside._

_Damn it, _Hiro chastised himself._ Goddamn it, I've had enough! _He walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face until he was satisfied that he no longer looked like he'd been crying. "I've got to get out of here," he said looking into his pathetic reflection in the mirror. A sudden knock at the door made him jump.

_Who could that be, _he wondered as he walked through the living room and apprehensively opened his door. Before he could stop himself, Hiro gasped at the person standing in his doorway. Although he was extremely tall with an unmistakable aura of supremacy, his dark eyes were full of sorrow and remorse.

"Good afternoon, Kamijou-san."

"Who are you," Hiro questioned suspiciously. "And how do you know my name?"

"I'm Kobayashi Ichirou and I've come to talk to you about Nowaki." He gave an obviously stunned Hiro several seconds to mull this revelation over. "May I come in?"

"Why should I let you in," Hiro exclaimed as he blocked Ichirou's path. "What the hell do we have to talk about?" Laughing bitterly he added, "Are you here to invite me to the wedding?"

This time it was Ichirou's turn to be surprised. "Wedding? What wedding are you talking about?"

"Don't take me for a fool," Hiro spat contemptuously.

"I'm not trying to make you look foolish." Ichirou took half a step back and put his hands up in supplication. "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. As far as I know, Nowaki has never been engaged."

"You obviously don't know very much then." Hiro stepped back and tried to slam the door in Ichirou's face.

Catching the door just before it closed, Ichirou pushed it and Hiro backward. "I don't know how you've gotten this information, but whoever gave it to you has no idea what they're talking about! Nowaki himself told me he broke up with his girlfriend last night. Studying Hiro's reaction closely, he breathed a silent sigh of relief. Clearly, Hiro had been deeply distressed about his ex-lover's supposed nuptials. The tiny spark of hope that had replaced the pain in Hiro's eyes gave Ichirou some much needed encouragement. "Now may I come inside?"

"Y…yeah, sure," Hiro stuttered once again stunned. His heart had begun to race. "What do you want from me," he asked suspiciously as he closed the door. He offered one end of the sofa to Ichirou and perched nervously at the other end.

"Before I begin, there's something I need to know," Ichirou stated looking intently at Hiro.

Hiro's posture visibly tensed as he eyed his guest warily.

"Are you in love with Nowaki?"

"What the hell," Hiro sputtered turning a brilliant shade of crimson. "That's awfully damn personal of you!" Jumping off the sofa he began to pace briskly. _I haven't even been able to say it properly to Nowaki yet!_ "You arrogant son-of-a -bitch! It's none of your damn business!"

Biting his tongue to keep from smiling at his flustered and obviously still hopelessly in love host, Ichirou could clearly understand why Nowaki had fallen in love with Hiro. _He's absolutely adorable when he's angry!_ "I guess that answers my first question." This time Ichirou couldn't hold back an amused smile as Hiro's face went from crimson to purple. Throwing a hand up to stop what was sure to be a barrage of expletives, he quickly continued. "Why did you abandon Nowaki?"

"Why did I abandon NOWAKI," he bellowed incredulously. "HE abandoned ME!"

"What do you mean he abandoned you? Nowaki has never abandoned you!"

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Hiro walked sullenly across the room and looked out the window. "Everything had been just fine between the two of us. Then last year, for no reason Nowaki suddenly disappeared for several days. While he was gone, he never once tried to contact me. I tried to call him, but I could never get through. Then, when I finally was able to get through to him, another man answered his cell phone. That's when I knew it was over."

"Um…" Ichirou began hesitantly. "I was the other man who answered Nowaki's cell phone."

"You can't be serious?" Hiro's stomach began to churn uncomfortably.

"I'm afraid it's true."

Hiro turned abruptly away from the window. "That just proves Nowaki abandoned me! He's never tried to contact me, and… from what I hear, he's been quite the ladies man."

Ichirou sighed in exasperation. "Ever since I came back to Japan a year ago, you have been the only person in Nowaki's life. Even after…" he hesitated and once again his face reflected sorrow and remorse. "…everything that has happened."

"What's happened," Hiro asked fighting back a sudden surge of panic.

"I suppose it would be best if I started at the beginning," he said looking ruefully at Hiro. "I'm the reason Nowaki left so suddenly last year. I hadn't had any time off since my father's death, so when I finally was able to get away, I naturally wanted to spend the time with my precious little brother."

"Wait a minute! Nowaki told me he'd never been adopted by Kobayashi-sama," Hiro interjected in confusion.

"It's true, father never adopted Nowaki." He got up and walked over to the window. "My family has a rather unique, ancient tradition. Every heir, on his sixteenth birthday, receives a male consort – someone from a lower class who would always be indebted to the family. On my sixteenth birthday, Nowaki became my consort."

"You mean you and Nowaki…"

"I never accepted Nowaki as my consort," Ichirou hastily interrupted. "I… just couldn't take him as my lover, and yet he became very dear to me. Within a few short months, I realized that I had grown to love Nowaki – not as my consort, but as my precious little brother. It was during my eighteenth birthday that my father discovered the true nature of our relationship." Ichirou laughed bitterly. "At first he was determined to throw Nowaki out of the family – to quote, 'send the ungrateful brat back to the gutter where he belonged.' Of course I argued against this, but father was adamant. He was afraid that I would eventually split the family legacy in half and share it with Nowaki since I viewed him as an equal. He even threatened to murder Nowaki himself."

Turning away from the window, he looked intently into Hiro's eyes. "For the first time in my life, I directly defied my father. I told him if he wanted to kill Nowaki, he'd have to go through me. My defiance made him go completely mad with fury. I honestly thought he was going to kill me. If it weren't for my father's consort, Sato, I don't know what would have happened that day. Instead he forced me to move with him to New York. He thought if he separated the two of us, it would put an end to our relationship."

"Obviously it didn't work," Hiro replied sympathetically.

"Nothing will ever change the way I feel about Nowaki." Ichirou snapped back to the present. "Getting back to my story, I insisted that Nowaki come with me to my private island."

"You… have a private island," Hiro stammered.

"I have two actually. One in the Pacific about a hundred miles south of Hawaii, and one in the Atlantic near the Bahamas."

"No wonder I could never get through to him," Hiro whispered clearly impressed.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Ichirou apologized. "I didn't know he had a lover at the time. He was worried about how I would react to your relationship." He looked remorsefully at Hiro. "Truthfully, I wasn't happy about the two of you when I first found out… but that's really not important now. When you took your leave of absence, I purposely kept that information from Nowaki."

"Wait a minute!" Hiro interrupted angrily. "How in the hell did you know about my leave of absence?"

"At the time you took your leave of absence, I had arranged to meet with your former boss, Tanaka-san."

"You were the VIP everyone was so worked up about," Hiro gasped in astonishment.

"Yes, I own K-Publishing now," Ichirou remarked casually. "You would have met me during my inspection last year, if you hadn't run away." Once again he put up his hands to restrain Hiro's heated retort. "I was afraid you'd abandoned Nowaki. Then the next day, when you put in your resignation, I was certain that you had permanently left him behind. At that point, I didn't know what to do. Nowaki was anxious to see you again, and I had no idea how I was going to keep him from finding out that you'd abandoned him. Unfortunately the subway bombing happened during this time."

An icy chill gripped Hiro's stomach making him visibly shudder. "He thought I was on the subway when it happened!"

"Yes," Ichirou replied numbly. His face was a symphony of mourning and contrition. "I've never seen him so… panic-stricken, and I knew at that moment, if he ever discovered what I'd done, he would never forgive me. So I… committed the worse sin of my life. I allowed him to go on believing that you had been there. Not only that, I… helped him try to 'find' you. That's when my worthless mind came up with what seemed like a good plan at the time. I suggested that he go to K-Publishing to see if you'd contacted them. I figured someone there would tell him the truth, and let me off the hook. Unfortunately, the exact opposite happened. Inoue Takeshita told him that you'd been killed."

"That… BASTARD," Hiro screamed. "THAT ROTTEN, FUCKING BASTARD!"

"Before you crucify Inoue, you might want to hear the rest of my confession." Looking guiltily into Hiro's eyes, he continued. "Obviously, I never told Nowaki the truth. If I had, he would have come straight here to find you." Unable to withstand Hiro's dawning wrath, he turned and walked toward the kitchen. "For two months I watched him grieve for his 'dead' lover. He seemed to just shut down. Nothing mattered to him anymore - his business, his hobbies - everything that had once been so dear to him... he completely lost interest in them all, but that wasn't the worst of it. He tried so hard to hide his pain... to keep me from worrying about him. What lousy irony," he exclaimed laughing ruefully. "His entire life gets screwed up, and he ends up worrying about the guy who screwed it up!"

The thought of Nowaki suffering so needlessly made Hiro's stomach churn. "Why would Nowaki feel the need to worry about you," he asked fighting desperately to keep his simmering rage under control.

"He overheard me talking to my secretary. I'd been away from the main office for nearly two months and it was putting quite a strain on me and my entire staff, but I just couldn't leave him alone – not in the state he was in…" Ichirou began to pace nervously. "He barely ate or slept during that time. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him alone in that condition. So one day I brought home the picture of a beautiful, single executive from one of my companies. I thought that if he could just find someone else to fill in the void, maybe the wounds in heart would heal, and he would go back to being the same happy-go-lucky person he'd always been." Avoiding Hiro's piercing gaze, he returned to the window. "Of course Nowaki was against it at first, but in time he acquiesced, out of concern for me." Ichirou bowed his head in shame. "Nowaki never wanted to date any of the women I set him up with. He only did it so I could leave Japan without a guilty conscience." Laughing bitterly he added, "as if that was possible."

Determined to face Hiro's rage headlong, Ichirou turned from the window. "Last night I visited Nowaki for the first time since I'd returned to New York. He hadn't changed at all. He was still much too thin, his skin was much too pale, and his eyes still looked at me as lifelessly as they had the day he'd learned about your 'death.' When he told me he'd broken up with Aimi, I saw firsthand what our maid Midori had been trying to tell me for months. Nowaki has never been able to let you go. Even to this day, he's still mourning your 'death.' I know now that you are the only one who can save him from the hell I inflicted on him. Please go to him Kamijou-san and heal his heart once and for all."

"You sorry bastard," Hiro began in a low menacing growl. "Who in the fuck do you think you are? Just because you're rich you think you can just sit in your ivory tower and control the rest of us like pawns?"

"That's right, be angry with me," Ichirou pleaded. "I deserve that and more, but please go to the penthouse suite of the Grand Hotel. That's where Nowaki is now. Don't make him suffer any more than he already has." He watched Hiro struggling against the emotions he'd been inundated with in such a short amount of time. Each and every scrap of truth he'd withheld and every lie he'd uttered during this past gut-wrenching year had haunted Ichirou mercilessly. It was as if he'd planted a handful of rotten seeds which had then grown into a stinking, festering field. The first time he withheld the truth from Nowaki, he knew deep in his heart he would one day have to harvest this bitter crop. He deserved Hiro's wrath, and he deserved to be permanently cut off from his 'brother.' It looked as if Hiro was about to knock his block off, and Ichirou was grateful he'd convinced Josh to stay with Nowaki because he knew his faithful body guard would prevent it from happening. "Just do what you have to do and go."

Trembling with nearly uncontrollable rage, Hiro wanted nothing more than to beat Ichirou to a bloody pulp, but for some reason his body refused to move. He just stood there riveted by his adversary's defeated sorrowful eyes. "Get out," he finally demanded.

"What about Nowaki?"

"I said GET OUT!" Hiro screamed grabbing a confused Ichirou by the shirt. He shoved him across the room and out the door. "GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN!"

Ichirou stared in shock at the door that had been slammed abruptly in his face. He'd expected to be beaten – he deserved to be beaten, but he never thought that Hiro would abandon Nowaki. After all, he was still in love with Nowaki… wasn't he? _Maybe I'd misjudged him,_ Ichirou wondered apprehensively, _but more importantly, what am I going to do now?_

* * *

Josh silently slipped through the dense vegetation. As a child, he'd been one of the most successful hunters in his family. In fact, his skills and stealth were unrivaled in his hometown. However, he wasn't hunting an animal. He was tracking his beloved Ichirou's precious little 'brother.'

From the moment that Ichirou had left the hotel, Nowaki had been surreptitiously trying to get rid of Josh. Rather than spending the entire afternoon in a tiresome battle of wills, Josh excused himself on the pretense of grabbing a soda from the lobby. As soon as he'd left the room, Nowaki snuck out of the hotel and headed down to the beach.

At first it was easy for Josh to follow Nowaki. All he had to do was zigzag through the half naked tourists, but before long Nowaki broke away from crowd setting his sights on the ominous forest at the edge of the city. At that point, Josh was forced to hang back and watch as Nowaki disappeared into the dense foreboding woods. After giving him enough of a head start, Josh cautiously followed Nowaki's obvious path.

This wasn't your typical 'pleasant stroll through the woods' type of forest. It was damn near impenetrable, but for Josh, who had grown up in a small town in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, it felt just like home. Within a couple of minutes, he'd easily caught up with Nowaki.

_Just where do you think you're going Nowaki,_ Josh wondered still quietly surveilling his quarry. _And what do you intend to do when you get there?_


	13. Awkward and Impromptu Confessions

Silently, Josh followed Nowaki through the dense forest. Rather than wandering aimlessly around, he pressed forward as if he were following some unseen force. _What are you doing out here,_ Josh wondered apprehensively. Ever since Ichirou had mentioned coming to Hiro's hometown, Nowaki had started acting strangely. Normally he would at least attempt to carry on as if the weight of the world weren't crushing his shoulders, but as soon as Ichirou told him where they were going, Nowaki had completely withdrawn from everyone.

This change in Nowaki's character worried Josh. An uncle of his had acted the same way before he himself had wandered off into the woods, and subsequently blew the back of his head off with his prized Colt .357 magnum. Thankfully, he didn't have to worry about that happening. Unbeknownst to Nowaki, Josh had thoroughly searched his belongings and had not found any weapons. Unfortunately, if Nowaki really wanted to kill himself, there were still plenty of other methods.

After approximately thirty minutes, Nowaki shifted slightly to the left and headed toward what appeared to be a clearing. _It can't be a clearing though,_ Josh reasoned. _We've been heading back toward the ocean. There must be a small beach up ahead._

Sure enough, there was indeed a small, pristine beach nestled in the midst of this nearly impervious forest. _I'll bet no one knows about this place,_ Josh thought as he marveled at the beauty of his surroundings. _This would be the perfect place to… completely disappear!_ With heightened apprehension, he watched Nowaki closely. _If I let anything happen to him, Kobayashi will never forgive me!_

* * *

Hiro waited until he was sure Ichirou had left before he opened the door and peered cautiously out. Satisfied that the coast was indeed clear, he set off for the Grand Hotel. Of course he was going to Nowaki. How could he not, but he didn't want to give Ichirou the satisfaction of knowing that he was right. He wanted to make that bastard squirm at least for a little while. In truth, he wasn't really all that angry at Ichirou. Yes, what he had done was wrong, but as screwed up as it all was, he'd had Nowaki's best interests at heart.

Inoue was a different matter altogether. _From the very start… that little bastard had been manipulating me from the very start! I can't believe I trusted him! _Hiro's stomach churned in disgust. _I can't believe I let him kiss me, and I… I… _Hiro retched involuntarily._ How could I have been so stupid?_

As he rounded the corner, the Grand Hotel came into sight. Situated on the beach, it was one of the most luxurious hotels in this part of Japan. _Naturally, they'd be staying here._ Hiro was reminded of the first time he met Nowaki. He'd assumed the magnificent home he'd found himself in that fateful morning had belonged to Nowaki. It wasn't until a couple of days later he learned the truth – that Ichirou was actually the owner. Now he knew the entire truth, but that didn't matter now.

Fear and excitement gripped his heart. It had been his dream for so long – to see Nowaki again – to feel his arms and taste his lips, but for some reason he felt hesitant. _What if Kobayashi is wrong about Nowaki? Maybe he'd just been depressed about breaking up with his girlfriend. What if he really doesn't love me?_

Walking past the hotel, Hiro went down to the beach. _I just need some time to think, that's all._ He headed for his secret beach. When he was a child, it had been his secret fort. But as he matured, it became the place he would go to whenever he needed to think or to be alone. Right now both were what he wanted.

At one time, Hiro had managed to make a secret path from the main beach through the dense forest at the edge of the city to his beach. But it had been years since he'd come to this place so naturally his path had long ago been reclaimed by the forest. Although it was difficult to navigate, Hiro pressed on eager to once again experience the beauty and divine isolation of his special place.

Just as he was beginning to wonder if the forest had claimed his beach the way it had consumed his path, he finally emerged from the thicket. At that very moment, Hiro noticed someone standing along the shore. _Damn it! Someone's discovered my secret place, _he cursed angrily to himself. _Wouldn't you know it, the one time I really wanted to be alone!_ He started to turn back, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the forlorn figure. There was something about him that looked oddly familiar. _Just who is this person? _ Suddenly he swiftly strode into the surf. _What the hell! He's not dressed to go swimming. What's he trying to do?_

"Oi, that's not a good place to go swimming," Hiro yelled in warning as he sprinted to where the stranger had entered the water.

At the sound of Hiro's voice, the person stopped dead in his tracks. A large wave hit him in the chest and sent him reeling backwards.

Recognizing the person at last, Hiro felt as if his heart would burst through his chest. "N… Nowaki… is that really you?"

Slowly Nowaki climbed out of the water and tentatively made his way to Hiro. _This is an illusion. It must be an illusion. _Quivering with excitement, he reached up to stroke Hiro's face. _Will I really be able to feel his flesh? _ The warm skin that met his fingers and the delicate pink that tinted Hiro's cheeks sent simultaneous ripples of exhilaration and desire through his once deadened body. "Y… you're alive?"

Hiro looked into Nowaki's pallid face with shock and awe. The feel of his cool, wet fingers confirmed the wonderful reality._ He's here! Nowaki is really here!_

"Hiro-san!" Nowaki's trembling hands caressed Hiro's face as he gazed into his long, lost lover's dark brown eyes. The eyes he'd been certain he'd never look upon again. Longing and passion radiated from them now and it fanned the smoldering embers within Nowaki's soul until it became a veritable inferno. Slipping one hand around to tenderly cup the back of Hiro's neck, he gently pulled them both together. With a delicious explosion of heat, he tasted the soft, sweet lips he'd craved a thousand times in his dreams._ God, if this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up!_

Waves upon waves of unbridled desire flowed rampantly through Hiro as he melted into Nowaki's heated body. In a hauntingly familiar gesture, Hiro wrapped his arms around Nowaki's waist and clutched at his shirt. Nowaki's tongue brushed his lips lightly and they willingly parted. Their tongues fell into the same mock struggle for dominance, but as always Hiro acquiesced.

A loud wanton moan escaped Hiro's lips making Nowaki painfully aware of the annoying barriers to the warm, inviting flesh he'd wanted for so long. Groaning impatiently, he reluctantly pulled back and hastily began to unbutton Hiro's shirt. Their clothing fell like sakura petals onto the sandy shore between each urgent, fevered kiss.

In slow motion their naked bodies fell into the soft, warm sand. As the cool surf lapped at their ankles, the lovers reveled in the myriad of emotions and sensations which at every second threatened to drive them mad. With a gentle fluid motion Nowaki pressed into Hiro. His eyes, glazed over and half closed, made him look as if he were enjoying his first taste of a rare, fine wine. Hiro's warmth enveloped and welcomed him.

"I love you Hiro-san," Nowaki whispered tenderly caressing his lover's blushing face.

"Baka," Hiro snapped his rose kissed cheeks turning bright crimson.

For the first time in what had felt like an eternity, Nowaki laughed with unbridled joy. _That's definitely my Hiro-san!_ "Oh god, I've missed you!" Once more he devoured Hiro's lips with a long passionate kiss.

Hiro wanted to say 'I love you,' but he was still too embarrassed to do it. Besides, he would have to pull away from the most incredibly libertine kisses he'd ever experienced, and there was no way in hell he'd ever do that. Instead he wrapped his legs around Nowaki's waist and pressed him in even deeper. _If I can't bring myself to say it, I can at least show him how much I love him… how much I want him._

Reluctantly pulling away from Hiro's lips, Nowaki slipped his arms under Hiro's legs, and positioned them on his shoulders. "I wanted to make love to you gently – the way I had the first time, but I can't hold back anymore." He pulled away, almost leaving Hiro's seductive warmth before plunging forcefully back inside.

Hiro had been trying all along to keep his voice silent. He'd never liked showing this side to anyone, but whenever Nowaki hit that sweet spot, it was impossible for him to stop those incredibly embarrassing sounds from escaping his fevered lips.

Longing to hear more of his sexy voice, Nowaki settled into a powerful, fiery rhythm and reveled in Hiro's sweet embrace.

"Ah, yes… there," Hiro cried his toes curling and back arching in ecstasy. So many nights he'd dreamt about this. Now that it was finally happening, he never wanted it to end. _It feels so good!_ "Nowaki… I can't… I can't hold back anymore!"

"Neither… can I…" Nowaki replied breathlessly.

Joy exploded at once within them as they clung tightly to one another until at last they collapsed in exhaustion. Hiro lay gasping for breath with his eyes closed still riding the dwindling wave of his passion. Nowaki's breath brushed across his ear sending tingles down his spine threatening to renew his desire, but a large wave crashed over their legs jarring both of them back into reality.

"Sorry Hiro-san," Nowaki said as he pulled him out of the surf.

"Don't apologize," he retorted irritably in embarrassment. "Help me gather up our clothes before they're washed out to sea."

They silently retrieved their wet clothes from the surf and hung them on the bushes to dry. Hiro eyed Nowaki nervously as they washed themselves and rinsed the sand out of their boxers in the ocean. It looked as though something was weighing heavily on his mind.

"Why Hiro-san," Nowaki asked in a small defeated voice. "Why did you abandon me?"

_What the hell! _"I never abandoned you… you friggin' moron!" Hiro exclaimed heatedly. "You're the one who abandoned me! You left me with nothing but that annoyingly vague note. You were gone for days and never tried to call me… not even once! Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

"I'm sorry," Nowaki turned away from Hiro nervously. "Ichirou-san arrived suddenly and asked me to go with him. I… wasn't able to contact you…"

"Yeah, I know. Kobayashi-san and I had a nice long talk this afternoon."

"You've… spoken with Ichirou-san," he asked incredulously. "When… how?"

Looking into Nowaki's dark, trusting eyes Hiro carefully contemplated his answer. _Nowaki's relationship with Kobayashi – as unorthodox as it is – is the closest thing to a family he's ever had. He had always talked so fondly about Kobayashi. I… can't allow that bond to be broken. It means so much to him._

"I met Kobayashi-san at my father's bookstore," Hiro lied uneasily. "Evidently he was going to ask for my father's permission to visit my grave. He found me instead." Unable to continue his narrative under Nowaki's intense gaze, Hiro turned away and squinted into the bright late afternoon sunlight. "My father had been hospitalized with pneumonia last year and was unable to run the bookstore. That's why I quit my job at K-Publishing and moved here."

For the next half an hour, Hiro related nearly everything that he and Ichirou had discussed earlier. Of course he left out Ichirou's deception. There was no way he would ever add further pain to what Nowaki had already endured. During the conversation, Hiro noticed for the first time just how thin and pale Nowaki had become. _Ichirou was right… he had completely shut down as if this past year he'd been trying to…_

"How did you find this place," Hiro asked suddenly.

Nowaki picked up a small piece of driftwood and began nervously drawing in the sand. "I went for a walk on the beach and ran across it."

"Bullshit!" Hiro grabbed the driftwood out of Nowaki's hand and threw it into the ocean. "No one casually walking down the beach would ever venture into those woods," he exclaimed motioning in the direction he'd come from earlier. "As far as I know, I'm the only one who has ever come to this place. Now I came here to get away from everyone so I could think. Why in the hell were you here?"

"I came here to get away from everyone too," Nowaki answered in a small guilt ridden voice.

The truth struck Hiro at once with the speed of a viper. _The way he was walking into the ocean… he… he was trying to get away from everyone… permanently. _"You… you were trying to commit suicide?"

"I'm sorry Hiro-san. I just…" Nowaki's eyes brimming with pain and anguish bore into Hiro's soul. "I just… couldn't live without you anymore."

"YOU FUCKING MORON!" Hiro screamed. Turning abruptly he walked angrily away. "Did you ever stop to think about how that would affect the people who love you?" He stopped suddenly in his tracks. Blushing and instantly embarrassed at what he'd said, he hastened to add, "K… Kobayashi-san for instance… Can you imagine how he would feel?"

"Hiro-san," Nowaki exclaimed as he embraced Hiro from behind. "Does this mean that you love me?"

"What the hell! Let me go you idiot!" Hiro tried to push him away, but Nowaki's arms held him like a vice.

"Please Hiro-san," Nowaki whispered desperately into his ear. "I've always known how difficult it is for you to say such things to me. That's why I've never pushed you for an answer, but now… after everything that's happened. I need to know… no… I really need to hear you say it."

Hiro struggled impotently in Nowaki's strong arms. He'd known all along that he was in love with Nowaki. The problem was he'd never confessed to anyone before, and he just couldn't stand the thought of doing something so incredibly embarrassing. _But this is the first time I've ever heard Nowaki sound so vulnerable. _

"Hiro-san, please tell me that you love me too…"

_Damn it I just can't do it!_

"Hiro-san?"

"Um… it looks like… the t..tide's starting to come in." Hiro stuttered nervously.

"I… understand," Nowaki whispered in defeat pulling listlessly away. "After all, it's been a year since…"

"Nowaki wait!" Hiro grabbed his arm._ Goddamn it! If I don't say it now, I'll lose him for real!_ "I… … um… … you…"

"What did you say?"

As Nowaki renewed his embrace, Hiro could feel him trembling. Swallowing his pride and blushing profusely he whispered a barely audible; "I love you." Almost as the words left his mouth, Nowaki kissed him with a fervent hunger so intense it made Hiro's head spin. Wrapping his arms around Nowaki's waist, Hiro sighed contentedly. _I guess that wasn't so bad,_ he thought as Nowaki slowly sat down gently pulling him down as well. Hiro's heart began to race. This had been his favorite position to make love in, and the fact that Nowaki had remembered it made him feel inexplicably happy. The warm sun felt good on Hiro's back as he slipped his boxers off and straddled his lover.

Moaning wantonly, Hiro guided Nowaki into him again. Ripples of excitement danced up his spine as Nowaki filled him completely. There was no sensation that could possibly be compared with this. It was absolutely perfect. In fact, for the first time in his life, Hiro actually felt complete.

"I love you Hiro-san," Nowaki exclaimed grasping Hiro's hips and falling easily into a slow, seductive rhythm. "I love you so much!"

"Me too…" Hiro whispered tentatively into Nowaki's ear. "I… love you too!"

* * *

Josh strode quickly through the forest. His heart had nearly leapt through his chest when he saw Nowaki walking with grim determination into the ocean, but then Hiro suddenly emerged through the trees at the other side of the beach and stopped him. Smiling warmly, he recalled the look on Nowaki's face as he embraced Hiro. _Kobayashi doesn't have to worry about him anymore!_

_Finally,_ Josh breathed a sigh of relief. _This twelve month long nightmare has ended. Surely everything will finally be resolved one way or another between Nowaki and Kamijou. And now that Kobayashi has accepted Nowaki's relationship, maybe there's a chance that we could get together!_ With renewed vigor, he emerged from the forest and sprinted across the sand past the startled sunbathers to the hotel.

When he walked into their suite, Josh found a frantic Ichirou pacing anxiously.

"Where the hell have you been," Ichirou demanded looking past Josh into the empty hallway. His face went instantly pale when he realized that Nowaki wasn't there. "Where's Nowaki?"

"Calm down Kobayashi-san," Josh answered soothingly. "He's fine. He's with Kamijou right now, and the way they were going at it, I'd be surprised if he came back tonight at all."

"Thank God," Ichirou sighed in relief. All of the tension that had been building during the long months melted swiftly away. _Whatever happens now is completely in Nowaki and Kamijou's hands._ Turning away from Josh, he walked out onto the balcony._ By now, Nowaki must know about what I've done. I'll probably never see him again._ Intense pain replaced his anxiety. This was worse than when his mother had died. After all, he wasn't the one that had driven her to her death. But now, it was just a matter of time before he would have to face Nowaki's inevitable wrath, and he had no one to blame but himself.

Leaning against the railing, he chuckled humorlessly. "Looks like I'll be alone again."

"I told you as long as I'm alive, you'll never be alone," Josh whispered passionately as he wrapped his arms around Ichirou's waist.

"Why do you care so much about someone like me," Ichirou mumbled in shock. Josh's body felt so good. The arms that embraced him felt so right. _But this isn't right! This kind of relationship destroyed my mother! How can this possibly be alright?_

"I'm sorry Josh," Ichirou said gently pushing him away. "I can't allow this to continue."

"Why," Josh asked trying valiantly to hide the pain in his voice. Gently he pulled Ichirou around to face him. "Why is it okay for Nowaki and Kamijou, but not okay for us?"

Wincing at the pain in Josh's pale, blue eyes, Ichirou hesitantly answered. "It is impossible for the two of us to produce an heir, and I refuse to put another woman through what my mother was forced to endure."

"Why do you have to produce an heir," he demanded. "Why can't you just adopt one?"

"Do you honestly think my family would allow something like that to happen?"

Although Ichirou was arguing against it, Josh sensed that his resistance was weakening. "Since when have you ever worried about your money-grubbing relatives?"

"They're likely to put up one hell of a fight," Ichirou warned. "A couple of them might even hire someone to assassinate me."

"I enjoy a good fight," Josh countered with a devious smile. Once again wrapping his arms around Ichirou's waist he added; "don't worry. I'll always be here to protect you." With that he ended their discussion by kissing Ichirou passionately.

Ichirou froze his eyes widening in shock. He'd never been kissed by a man before. The intensity and urgency of it made his blood boil. Never had he felt so much yearning, so much love. Out of all the women he'd dated in his lifetime, none of them had ever made him feel like this. Slowly, tentatively he wrapped his arms around Josh's neck. As he ran his fingers through Josh's soft blonde hair, Ichirou returned his kiss just as much passion.

_Oh, god I'm dreaming… I must be dreaming,_ Josh thought blissfully and before his addled brain could stop him, he pulled away from Ichirou and breathlessly uttered; "I love you Kobayashi-san!"

_Shit! Did I just say that out loud?_ Anxiously, Josh waited for Ichirou to push him away in disgust.

"Call me Ichirou," he said as he took Josh by the hand.

"Huh?" Looking into Ichirou's beautiful, dark eyes, Josh was completely awestruck. _Did he just say what I thought he said?_

"I expect my lover to address me more intimately, especially when he's calling out my name in bed!" With an amused expression on his face, he led an obviously stunned Josh into his bedroom.

* * *

Ichirou rested his head on Josh's shoulder in exhaustion. The sun's early morning rays were just beginning to peek through the window. _Josh was right, _he pondered sleepily. _Nowaki was out all night._ Suddenly he heard someone unlocking the door to their suite.

"Oi Ichirou-san," Nowaki called out excitedly.

"SHIT!" Ichirou and Josh whispered in unison as they jumped out of bed and began to simultaneously fumble through the clothing that had been hastily tossed on the floor. They both had barely managed to put their boxers on when Nowaki burst impatiently into the room.

Nowaki looked at the two of them half-naked, frozen in mid-dress with guilty expressions on their faces. "It's about time the two of you got together," he exclaimed smiling genuinely. "Hiro-san and I are starved. Do you want to have breakfast with us?"

"Sure," Ichirou answered tentatively. He looked questioningly at Hiro, who had just appeared in the doorway behind Nowaki.

"Why don't you take a quick shower in your bathroom Nowaki," Josh interceded smoothly; "while Kobayashi-san orders our breakfast from room service."

"That sounds good," Nowaki said too deliriously happy to notice their subtle, nervous glances. "You can have the shower when I'm finished Hiro-san. I want the biggest breakfast available Ichirou-san," he called over his shoulder as he headed toward his room.

As soon as they heard Nowaki's door shut, Josh cleared his throat nervously. "I think I'll take a shower as well. Just order me some toast and coffee Kobayashi-san," he said as he headed for Ichirou's shower.

"I told you to call me Ichirou you idiot," he replied awkwardly.

With an encouraging smile, Josh winked at him mischievously and disappeared behind the door.

"Why didn't you tell Nowaki what I'd done," Ichirou questioned in suspicious bewilderment. A sickening thought crept into his head. _Is he planning to blackmail me? _

"I thought about telling him," Hiro admitted readily. "But in the end, I just couldn't do it. As screwed up as you are, you're the only 'family' that Nowaki has. I wouldn't have felt right knowing I drove a wedge between you two."

"Thanks Kamijou-san," he said sighing in relief. "I owe you one!"

"Save your gratitude," Hiro spat irritably. "I didn't do it for you!"

_You really are adorable when you're angry,_ Ichirou thought suppressing a grin. _Just you wait Kamijou, _he vowed silently. _Someday soon, I'll definitely return the favor!_

* * *

Epilogue

Inoue rushed impatiently toward Hiro's apartment. He couldn't wait to see his lover again. _My lover,_ he thought blissfully. _Finally after all this time, Kamijou is mine!_

Time had gone by excruciatingly slow this past week, and for some reason he'd been extraordinarily busy. He hadn't even had a chance to call Hiro once. Not that they'd ever had the kind of relationship in which constant communication was necessary, but he would have liked to have heard his lover's voice.

As he rounded the corner, he noticed a large moving van parked in front of Hiro's apartment building. _I wonder who's moving…_

"Inoue Takeshita," asked an authoritative man in a dark suit.

"Yes, what do you want," he asked apprehensively. _This person looks like an undercover cop!_

"Please wait here for a moment. My client would like to speak with you." Stepping aside, he pulled out a cell phone and hastily made a call. "It's Kimura… yes he's with me right now… very good sir."

"What's going on," Inoue demanded as he struggled to control his mounting fear.

"Just relax; my client will be here soon."

"I don't suppose you'd care to tell me what this is all about," Inoue questioned hopefully. Kimura merely glared at him. He was so preoccupied with the menacing person standing next to him; he didn't notice Ichirou and Josh's approach.

"Thank you Kimura-san, you may go now," Ichirou dismissed him politely.

Kimura looked briefly at Josh and in that moment a short nonverbal conversation took place. It went something like:

Kimura – 'You sure you got this?'

Josh – 'Yeah, I've got it covered.'

"K…Kobayashi-sama," Inoue stuttered in shock. "W…what are you doing here?"

"It's time you gave up on Kamijou-san," Ichirou stated casually.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he countered defensively.

"Don't play dumb with me! You've been coming here every weekend."

Inoue's face began to flush in anger. "So what if I have? What I do in my own time is none of your business!"

"Yes that's true," Ichirou conceded. "But when it threatens my precious little brother's happiness, it becomes my business."

"I… didn't know you had a little brother," Inoue faltered.

"His name is Kusama Nowaki, and he's Kamijou-san's lover."

"You mean he was Kamijou's lover," Inoue exclaimed his face turning an even deeper shade of red. "I'm his lover now!"

"He's your lover," Ichirou looked up and gave Josh a knowing grin. "Well at this moment, your 'lover' is moving into his childhood home with Nowaki."

Inoue looked across the street in time to see Hiro and Nowaki loading his sofa into the van. "What about Kamijou's parents," he asked in a small defeated voice.

"I've set them up in a nice country home," Ichirou announced proudly.

"Kamijou's not going to like that," Inoue muttered dully.

"Oh, he was mad as hell, but his parents were so happy about it in the end, he had to accept it. Besides, there was no way he and Nowaki could live together in that tiny apartment of his."

"What if I refuse to give Kamijou up," Inoue asked defiantly.

"That wouldn't be a very wise thing to do," Ichirou warned ominously.

"If you're threatening to fire me, I can always get another job."

Ichirou looked at Josh and the both of them laughed at Inoue's naiveté. "Your job is the last thing you should be worrying about. You honestly have no idea who you're dealing with, do you?" He leaned closer to Inoue looking very much like a cat preparing to pounce on a mouse. "If I wanted, I could make you disappear!"

"You're… threatening to kill me," Inoue exclaimed incredulously.

"If necessary…" Ichirou stated calmly.

"I… get the picture." Inoue looked forlornly across the street just in time to see Hiro and Nowaki emerge from the van. Even from this distance, it was painfully obvious just how much in love the two of them were. In stunned silence, he turned away from them all and walked out of their lives forever.

* * *

For the first time in his life, Hiro felt blissfully happy. His parents were thriving in the home Ichirou had bought them. He'd hired Midori, Nowaki's former maid, to work in his bookstore giving him the time he'd needed to complete his first novel which had just been placed on the bestseller's list. But living with Nowaki was by far the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He paused for a moment at the front door of his childhood home. At first it had felt strange, living there without his parents, but now once again it was his home – _our home,_ he whispered to himself. Closing his eyes, he could picture Nowaki at the stove cooking their evening meal. The mere thought of his lover sent warm tingles through his entire body.

He walked through the door and kicked off his shoes. It smelled like Nowaki was fixing something delicious. Pausing in the kitchen doorway, he smiled at the sight of Nowaki standing at the stove wearing the frilly, pink apron Ichirou had given him as a gag gift. There was a time when such a sight would have sent him into a panic, but now it simply warmed his heart.

"I'm home," he called out cheerfully.

"Welcome back," Nowaki replied as he turned off the stove. He tenderly embraced Hiro and gave him a sweet, little peck on the lips before turning to retrieve their dishes from the cupboard.

_Yes,_ Hiro thought dreamily as he watched Nowaki setting the table. _At last my life is absolutely perfect!_

_

* * *

_Wow, that is one of the longest chapters I've ever written! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for reviewing my story so faithfully. Your kind words of encouragement and helpful advice really kept me going! I have a couple of other projects that have been simmering nicely on the back burner. Now that I've finished this story, I can concentrate more fully on them. Hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as you seem to have enjoyed this story! Thanks again everyone!

Long live Hiroki and Nowaki! May they live in yaoi bliss forever!!!


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